PAX Unplugged

[I posted this on Facebook but I want to share it with the world. 💖.]

PAX Unplugged was this weekend, and it was one of the best weekends of my life. The first time I saw a “Welcome Home” banner at PAX Prime, I cried, because PAX truly felt like my home. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was home. So to have a PAX in my hometown was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had.

I can’t even name everyone, so I won’t try, but I will attempt to say some of the things I loved: being on three panels (and even moderating one of them!) filled with people who are superstars and my own personal heroes and heroines; going to amazing parties and hanging out with some of the greatest people; demoing and signing SO MANY of our own games; running a Lazer Ryderz tournament that was full of fun, laughter, and sick guitar shreds; playing games and eating meals with people I adore; crying when I heard people’s stories about how I inspired them and helped them get where they are today; watching some of my closest and best local friends interact with my con family; and, most of all, turning and seeing my husband, smiling at him, and being filled with joy at having taken this journey with him. My heart passed out so many times I should have just carried around smelling salts.

This industry has given us so much, and it makes me happy to know that I am able to give back to it. Being at PAX Unplugged and being able to see both the people who helped me get where I am, and the people who came to me for help, made me feel like I was in the center of a circle that never ends, full of humble, talented, incredibly beautiful people who are now a part of my life.

Thank you all for making me feel like a superstar. Thank you all for being my friends, my family, my life. I couldn’t do this - and I certainly wouldn’t want to do this - without you.

Welcome home.

Cleaning up!

I've been having an amazing time on this week off, though I feel like I should have taken off much longer! I have taken a lot of time to rest and relax, as well as to play as much Persona 5 as humanly possible. But on top of that, I've done some cleaning out, and right now I'm trying to find a new home for some action (and inaction!) figures! Here they are:

 Big Ass Silent Bob, signed by Kevin Smith:

 

 Some Inaction Figures, one signed by Kevin Smith:

Grifball figure, signed by Geoff:

 Star Wars Galactic Heroes figures, some signed:

I have no idea how to sell action figures! I've never sold them in my life. Does anyone know how much these dudes are worth? I have someone interested in the Dogma figs, and the Galactic Heroes Dengar and Boba Fett. From what I can tell on eBay, they're worth:

Galactic Heroes Dengar and Boba Fett, signed - eBay, between $20-40 unsigned

Dogma Jay - eBay, between $10-20

Dogma Silent Bob - eBay, between $20-30

Dogma Silent Bob, signed - none signed on eBay, but one other Dogma fig went for $70 signed

Dogma Bartleby - none on eBay, others went for ~$10

Dogma Golgagthan - eBay, between $10-20

I'm not sure what are fair prices to ask. Does anyone have any experience with this?

I'll write a proper update later! I also had my first experience with Buffalo Exchange, which went well! I sold some clothes and donated the rest at Philly Aids Thrift. I have lots more clothes to go through, and I also want to purge my books, video games, and board games, but that will take more time than I have left on this vacation. It's a slow process, and I'm trying to feel good about what I did do, rather than lament what I didn't!

But ok, I'm going to play some Persona 5 and then get down to business. Hope everyone's having a great Saturday!

You were right about Titanfall 2

Whoever told me to stick with Titanfall 2, you were right. I had analysis paralysis the other day trying to decide which game to play next, so I decided to go back to it, since I hadn't played it in months and really did want to finish. I got to the Effect and Cause chapter today, and wow. It was freaking amazing. I would play an entire game like that. I think I'm nearly done it now - hopefully I'll finish it tomorrow or Tuesday and go back into an indecision spiral.

Oh, and we went back to Supernatural, after not watching that for months. We were at the very end of season 10 - I think we have one more episode left now. And we did a freaking ton of work this weekend. I'm so exhausted but I also feel pretty great and productive. But also exhausted.

I hope you had a great weekend, my friends! *heart emoji*

I definitely understand technology

So, yesterday, my friend Gina sent me a $75 gift card to Modcloth as a congratulations on getting a new job. SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! That is too much money. I slammed the reply button and sent her an all-caps reply:

(The link goes to this awesome thing, in case you were wondering.)

So great story, right? Except one second later I received an email from Modcloth saying they'd opened a ticket for my email. Because I sent that email to support at Modcloth and not Gina. And then forwarded that email to Gina and told her in all caps that I was literally dead from laughing.

Because I was.

The end.

I'm leaving Drexel!

Wow! It's been years since I've written in this thing. So much has happened! So much has happened in the last week. This has been an intense year so far. Last year was also super intense. Maybe I should just write about right now to start.

I finished graduate school! Well, I handed in my last two papers on Thursday, and I consider myself done. I don't think there's any way I could have failed those classes, but stranger things have happened. Anyway, barring any disasters, I am now an MS in Library Sciences. It's been a long road, and I can't believe it's over.

"So, Nicole," you might be thinking, "Are you going to go for your PhD now?"

Yo. Can I live?

I got a new job! I never thought I would leave Drexel. Ever. But here I am. A few weeks ago, I received an email from the Department Head of CCI, asking if I was interested in a research position at a company, and giving me a small description. I was interested, and sent her my resume. They contacted me that day, and I had a meeting with them a week later. A week after that, I went in for an assessment test. Wednesday of last week, I went back for a follow-up, and they offered me the job the next day... right after I submitted my last papers for grad school. In a few weeks, I'll be starting my new job as a Research Analyst.

I'm terrified. But also excited! But also terrified. But also excited. I've been at the same job for 15 years - 20 years if you include the years I went here as an undergraduate. But I'm super excited to move on to a new job and get out there and actually apply what I learned in graduate school.

That all happened last week. But there's lots and lots of other cool stuff going on, too!

We have another board game coming out! We were approached to make a game for IDW in their new Atari line of board games. We're making Centipede, of course. It's been a much different process than we're used to, but it's been a great experience. Here's my favorite image on the Internet, which I'm stealing from Mashable:

That is badass.

We went to PAX East and UnPub! Yes, we went to PAX East up in Boston, and then I had to finish up two term papers, and then we headed to UnPub down in Baltimore. It was totally worth it, but, real talk: I can't believe I survived it. I'm freaking tired.

OK. and that was all from recently as well. But there's been so much other stuff going on. The last time I wrote in here was October of 2014! I don't know if there's a good way to list all of this. Maybe with... a list?

• Anthony and I moved in together earlier that year, and our first game, RESISTOR_, got into the Indie MEGABOOTH at PAX Prime that year as well. It was also in the IMB at PAX East in 2015, and we launched our Kickstarter for it, and got picked up by a publisher, Level 99! 
• In 2016, our next game, Lazer Ryderz, got picked up by Greater Than Games. 
• For gaming, we went to a ton of events in 2015 - 21 - and then upped that in 2016, when we went to a whopping 28 events!! 
• Two of my estranged family members died - first my grandmother in February, and then my father in October. 
• I taught for the first time in my life, as an adjunct at Moore College of Art and Design. 

Oh hey, also, in August, Anthony and I got engaged! We plan to be married this year, but with everything that's been going on, it might get pushed to 2018.

Of course, there are tons of things I'm forgetting. I'm giving you the quick and dirty of the last two and a half years. I've made tons of friends, some of them best friends I want to see all the time but only get to see at events, and others local friends I can't spend enough time with. I've played a lot of board games and video games, read loads of books, and even got into writing more - I started a bullet journal and got back into writing poetry (oh noetry!). I can't even begin to get into it all. But hopefully, if I keep to this, I won't have to. It'll be more organic. I guess we'll see!

Also, Colleen wanted a mention, so she gets one:

That's all for now. Oh, and I'm still fascinated by Juggalos.

Like you had to ask.

Much turtle love!

remember that time i talked about surgery

wow i have been so insanely lax here... the last time i wrote was in january (over nine months ago!) when i wrote about medical issues. i never wrote what happened after that - nor have i written ANYTHING since. so, here goes!

in january, the doctors mentioned SURGERY, and i just about had heart failure. i went back in february, and saw a specialist, and the first thing she said was that they absolutely did not want to perform surgery, because i'm too young and it's dangerous. she laid out all of the options:

1) surgery. don't want to do that.
2) nothing. really don't want to do that, either.
3) IUD. no no no no no.
4) hormones.

now, with the hormones, there were four options as well:

1) IUD. already nope.
2) the shot. kinda didn't want to do that.
3) the implant. didn't really want that, either.
4) the pill.

i've had some mixed results with the pill. i went on it when i was 19, and was on five different ones between then and 28 - nearly 10 years. by the end of that time, i was getting vicious, blinding migraines, and while i was terrified to not be on them - who was i, without them? - i was glad for the pain to stop.

well, it turns out, horrible migraines are a really bad sign when you're on the pill - in fact, it is a pretty clear indicator that the pill could cause a stroke. the doctor told me that it's the estrogen that causes that, so she wanted to put me on a progesterone-only pill. and so in february i went back on the pill again for the first time in seven years.

at first, it was horrible. i mean just the worst. my periods were painful and my flow was heavy, and i had moody PMS. now my period wasn't as painful, nor was it as heavy, but i was getting it once every two weeks instead of every four. then i was getting it every other week. then it would be just a few days in between periods. and my mood swings were absolutely crazy by that point. my hormones were out of control.

by july, i was at the end of my rope. i couldn't stand it anymore. i called the doctor, crying, and they told me to just hang in there until my ultrasound... which turned up fine. my cysts and fibroids were gone, meaning the pills were successful. my period was still coming fast and hard (and often), but i'm glad to say that - finally! - this month, it seems to have become somewhat normal. i got my period this weekend, and the last time i got it before that was a full month ago, so... yay!

in other health news, my stomach issues are seemingly more under control as well. i actually ate cheesecake today - CHEESECAKE!! i haven't had cheesecake in four years. i couldn't believe it. i think it's partially because - while i've still had a lot of stress - i've gotten my anxiety more under control. i've even been able to gain weight - i'm back to the 145 i was years ago before i was diagnosed with gastroparesis. sure, all the clothes i've been wearing don't fit anymore, and i could use some working out (i've been trying to walk to and from work when i can), but i'm actually happy.

there's lots going on in my life other than that - we're getting RESISTOR_ ready for kickstarter after showing it off at pax prime and boston fig, we've done lots of traveling, i've been playing tons of games/reading books/watching stuff (aaagh american horror story), and after having very little time to do so, i've been writing again - and hopefully will keep it up.

but right now, it's time to finish up some laundry and work on dinner. oh, and finalize our halloween costumes, because, you know, it's in two weeks. but i wanted to get my medical information out there, because people have been asking me about it. so, yay! :D

in which i give a lot of information about medical stuff

warning: there is going to potentially be TMI here about my lady parts. seriously. don't read if you don't like hearing about periods, uteri, and words like "gynecologist."

SERIOUSLY NOT KIDDING.

ok! so yeah. i have had a pretty poor history for the last, oh, i don't know, 15 years of my life? when it comes to my lady parts. when i was 19, i had an abortion, and afterwards i found out that i have a tilted uterus, which is why i have such horrible pain and bleeding. to counter that, the doctors put me on the pill, which worked on and off for ten years. in 2008, after years of having horrible migraines and trying to work out what medication would work best, i decided to stop taking the pill. my migraines stopped, but wonderful adventures in terrible pain had just begun.

as each year goes by, as each month goes by, i'm never sure what's going to happen. my period never comes on the same day each month; sometimes it comes five days early, sometimes it's a week late (that's always fun). the pain has become worse and worse, to the point that in november it was so excruciating - and the bleeding was so heavy - that i went to the gynecologist.

i guess i should backtrack a bit here. when i was 21, i was diagnosed with HPV, which was terrifying. i had to go to the doctor every three months for constant checkups, and in 2007, i was told i had CIN 3 cells, which is pretty darn close to cancer. i had to get a LEEP done (DO NOT RECOMMEND MUCH PAIN), and after that, i needed to have my birth canal scraped, because they thought the cells had passed through there to my other organs, and that i was at high risk for cancer. (again, fun weeks.) my HPV cleared in 2010, which meant i could go back to normal yearly visits. but i started having horrible pain and terrible bleeding, and had to go in on an off-time to get checked out. the doctor recommended an ultrasound, in which they found nothing - from my descriptions, they think i had a small cyst which may have ruptured. GOOD TIMES ALL AROUND.

so, in november, i went back, complaining of the same pain and heavy bleeding. they did an ultrasound and found two masses - one they said was possibly a cyst, and the other was possibly a "degenerating fybroid," i think was the exact term. she wanted me to come back in 60-90 days, right after my period, to try to see if it was still there or not.

i went back this past monday. the larger mass was still there.

now, i went back monday thinking they were going to say "yup, no big deal, it's gone." instead, what i got was a phone call from my gynecologist, saying that the mass was still there, that it could be an endymetria, and that she wanted me to make an appointment with one of the physicians there because they might want to perform surgery to remove it.

i just about had heart failure when i heard her say the word "surgery."

i haven't done what i usually do, which is google the shit out of this stuff to figure out what exactly it is, because i am currently paralyzed with fear over it and am doing my best to try not to think about it at all. the soonest they can see me for a consultation is february 6th, so i'm just going to do my best to not freak the fuck out about it and go about life as usual. but it's been really difficult to concentrate, and even things i normally do to zone out have not been successful.

so i guess what i'm saying is, if i seem stressed out, or distant, or just flat out disappear for hours/days at a time, or i don't get something done that i should, please don't take it personally, and please feel free to prod me if you need something. i'm a little distracted right now.

well hello, 2014

in the weeks leading up to it, i wasn't sure what we were going to do for new years eve. it's anthony's favorite holiday, so i really wanted to make it special, but i wasn't sure what we could do. we moved to west philly a few months ago, and honestly, we haven't gone to a single bar out here, so i wasn't even sure what would be a good place to go. two years ago, we went to lucky thirteen down in south philly, which is near his old place, and met up with some friends. we drank, talked, laughed, and had a lot of fun. last year, we went to our friend jason and kim's house, where we ate, drank, and played board games all night. this year, when i asked anthony what he wanted to do, all he said was that he wanted to "have a few drinks and dance."

my immediate reaction to that was "let's go to silk city!" but it seemed that every place had some kind of cover charge just to get in - whether open bar was included or not. finally, on new years eve, our friends adam and stacy texted us saying they wanted to come out, too, and to let them know what we were doing. we texted our friends fritz and kristin, who had come to the bar with us two years before, and formed a small posse. after some consulting, we decided on dahlak, an ethiopian restaurant/bar/hookah bar just a few blocks away. it was a really sweet night - we all met up, talked, laugh, drank, and even danced a little. oh, and we used the photobooth/jukebox to take some pictures, too.

the kittens were a nice touch.

afterwards, anthony and i headed back to stacy and adam's place for nachos and television, where we proceeded to watch impractical jokers until two in the morning. when we got home, we stayed up playing video games - i finally, FINALLY finished infamous 2, which i thought was a pretty big disappointment. i mean, seriously, the good ending is that cole DIES? that's really, really stupid. everything about that game was just sort of blah. i am really hoping that infamous second son is as good as it looks, because i need my faith restored in the series. i absolutely loved the first infamous, but even playing the demo for infamous 2 made me feel like something was off about it. i don't know. maybe i just got soured about the new voice actor and never got over it. but i also wasn't into the controls... they were just different (and inaccurate) enough to be annoying. it probably does help that i didn't play it on evil, which is where you get all of the world-destroying powers that are way more fun.

we woke up the next morning and did nothing but play video games all day. that's not true... i did do a load of laundry! so that's something. we played legend of dungeon co-op on his computer, then torchlight II with our new setup (ant on his new computer and me on his old computer attached to the television in the living room), and then hammerwatch on his computer. they're all so much fun, and it's so exciting to be able to play them together, whether it's side-by-side with controllers or a room away with our separate PCs. we ordered dinner, watched an anime ant likes called giant robo, which is really interesting, and then spent the rest of the night writing and playing games. it was wonderful, other than the fact that 3AM rolled around and i still wasn't tired, and had to return to work in the morning. i finally laid down until i fell asleep, and then woke up bright and early and made it into work on time.

GIANT ROBO!

it was interesting being back at work after being off for over a week. i had lots of emails and plenty to do, but classes weren't set to start until monday, so it was nice to have time to ease into it without too many people around. anthony got sent home super early because his office was full of asbestos - yikes! his boss told them to be sure to call the weather hotline to see if they had work in the morning (he works at university of penn), and he said, will they know if the asbestos has been cleared out? and she said, do you not know it's supposed to snow a ton tonight? and he laughed and said no. adorable. our friends josh and phin came over, and when i got home, they were playing the board game anthony made, kobolds, with super dungeon explore pieces. it was fun! we played some tok tok woodman afterwards, and then spent the rest of the night writing and gaming. we are trying to get the platinum trophy in diablo III, which seemed totally doable until we got to the "get five million gold" trophy. we have beaten the game four or five times and only have two million. aieeee!! that's going to take forever.

friday morning we woke up to... a snow day! hooray! i had a doctor's appointment but i rescheduled it because there was no way i was going outside. i need some new snow boots, which i'm putting off because i want to get the perfect pair, which has proven to be difficult. i want something waterproof, that is warm enough for the snow but cool enough for the summer, and also attractive. it looks like sorel might be my best bet so far. i mean, look at these beauties:

these are not my feet.

much wow. but sadly much wow is also the price, which is a lot. also, they are called cate of alexandria, which is an amazing name for a show. realistically, what i need is a waterproof boot with a liner that doesn't cost too much money and will last me a while, and also has some kind of tread on it so i don't fall. but i would like for it to be attractive, which seems to be a lot to ask for in a practical boot.

the search continues. also, i know as soon as i buy the right boots, it will stop snowing, so... yeah. i like snow and snow days. i'm not in a hurry, even if it means getting snow and salt on my sneakers.

friday we just bummed around and mostly played more hammerwatch and watched futurama, until adam called to ask if we wanted to play dungeon world with him and stacy. we made ourselves presentable and they came over and we played for a few hours and ordered some delicious indian, which, while delicious, took two hours to get here. yikes! i mean, granted, there was a lot of snow outside, but i was so hungry, haha. it was only my second time playing dungeon world - i had played some sixth world, which is shadowrun with dungeon world rules, but not much straight dungeon world. it was a fun mod, but difficult, because we started with no gear and i was playing a wizard, and i was basically useless the entire adventure. but it was still fun - i always love roleplaying and rolling dice, and i had never had adam as a DM before, so that was great, too. after they left, around midnight, we played more hammerwatch, and then finally went back and got 100% of fez finished. i had been putting it off - i think mainly because i knew once i did it, it would be done forever, and there would be no more fez to do. i was super sad when it was over. i know the designer, phil fish, has his reasons for leaving the industry, but he is just so brilliant, and i wish he did nothing but make games. a lot of games. all the games.

saturday was exciting! it was my little nephew matthew's birthday. i ran out in the morning to get him a gift - i was supposed to go friday, but obviously those plans got messed up. i went to the kmart downtown to pick him up some ninja turtle figures and failed miserably. they were sold out of everything ninja turtle, except a few random lego sets, none of which had leonardo, his favorite. but they did have a spider-man lego set, so i bought him that instead, and then headed back home. we rented a philly car share car and drove out to my sister's place in newtown square. we got amazingly lost on the way there but worked it all out and were there only a little late. 

my sister jenna is amazing, as is her entire family. she is my half sister on my dad's side, and i adore her mom and stepdad and her little sister rachel. all of her friends were there as well, and her boyfriend's family, and everyone is super nice and friendly. and matthew! i hadn't seen him in a while - possibly a year! - and he's gotten so, so big, and talks so much. he said some adorable stuff that just made me want to squeeze him. (i was eating my cake, and didn't want the icing, so i offered it to him. he had just told jenna he was done with his cake, but when i offered him my icing, he said ok, when he was done with his. a few seconds later he was like, ok i'm ready now, and he ate some and said yes, it's good. SO CUTE.) the funniest part of the whole night was when jenna brought out the pinata - i had no idea that they made them with pull strings now so kids don't get hurt beating it up! the first string matthew pulled was the right one, and as he was tugging on it, jenna started throwing candy on the floor from a bag she had. debi and i completely lost it laughing, and jenna said what! all the candy didn't fit. i think it was mostly just her deadpan look as she tossed candy onto the floor that really got me. the whole thing was just too cute! 

I am a bad aunt and didn't take any pictures. Please accept this adorable picture of Matthew.

we left before we had to get the car back, and just got home and played some video games and i started working on some writing, all of which continued into sunday morning and afternoon. that evening was my last podcast for crossed purposes, which is a theology site run by my friend josh. they do a different kind of commentary on games and other media - they talk about it in relation to religion and theology. when they first contacted me to be a part of their site, i was apprehensive, but i decided to give it a try since it's so different from anything i've ever done before. i've really enjoyed it, and the podcast with josh and ian has been a blast! but i have some exciting stuff going on right now that i'm not sure if i can talk about just yet, and i've decided that i needed to change some things around to make room for them. s that was my last time on the podcast - at least, my last time as a regular. i hope to be back on the show sporadically, if i can.

monday was back to work for real, which was a little sad but at the same time great because everyone was in such high spirits from the wonderful break. the day flew by in a busy blur, and i left work early to go to the doctor's office to get my ultrasound done. i've been having some lady problems, and my gynecologist just wanted to check - and double check - to make sure everything was ok. i haven't gotten the results back yet, but from what the technician said, everything seems ok, so i'm not too worried. 

on monday night, stacy and i headed to our friend janette's house to watch the bachelor. i had never seen it before, and it was a tradition for them to watch it every week and paint their nails or knit or do something else fun and creative together. it sounded amazing, and i decided to jump in on it. i don't spend very much with other girls - i spend almost all of my free time with "the guys" of one variety or another, playing board games or roleplaying games or video games, so it was nice to spend some time with other girls. i was nervous at first - WHAT IF THEY FIND OUT I AM DIFFERENT AND WEIRD - but stacy, janette, and janette's friend lauryn are all awesome, and we had a great time. in fact, we got there early - janette invited us early since i had never met her daughter, zelda, who is just over a year old. and WOW is she the best kid! she impressed me with her vast knowledge of animal sounds, and was basically just the cutest, most well-behaved kid ever. after she went to bed, we broke out the champaign, and lauryn brought chocolate roses, and i had my first ever bachelor experience. i even painted my nails for the first time since high school, and it wasn't actually that bad! i remember painting my nails as always being a terrible experience because i was so bad at it, but i did a pretty good job. 

Janette took this amazing photo.

afterwards, i headed back home, where anthony and adam were having their own "play date." i was worried i'd come home to find our apartment turned into one big blanket fort, but they were just playing some video games. before i left that night, i had hidden anthony's late christmas presents - the three super dungeon explore minibosses - all over the house. adam found two of them and ant found one, and he was super excited and had them already opened and on the table when i got home. they are so cute!

we watched the latest episode of almost human - i'm so glad it's back on! - and, again, played more hammerwatch. then we went to bed, and before we knew it, it was time to go back to work again. work flew by, and then i came home so we could get some chores done - the apartment was a little messy, and we needed to order groceries, and we wanted to move some furniture around, so that's what we did for the first half of the night. the second half of the night was spent beating hammerwatch, which had one of the most frustrating endings ever. in fact, it's so frustrating, it was immortalized in one of their achievements, "Worse Than Ghosts and Goblins," for which the description is nothing but a link to a video (warning: spoilers!):

after beating the game, we then watched brooklyn 99 - i am so glad my shows are back! and then went to bed.

work today was a little tough because i was tired and had a headache and wasn't feeling great, but it was punctuated by a lot of really great people stopping by to visit and talk, including my friend gina! she brought me some of her amazing cookies, and we sat and talked a bit. her office recently relocated to be a few blocks closer to mine, which is great news, because now we can get lunch at cucina zapata, which is one of the best food trucks at drexel! also it is great news because she makes REALLY good cookies, and is great company.

after work, i rushed home so we could get our groceries delivered, but they were running behind, so i took a nap. they got here around 8, and our delivery guy, clifton, referred to us as "the klines" and said he was excited to see us. he is so nice! we unloaded all of our groceries and then i made some dinner for ant, who stayed home from work today and has been feeling sick. he has become obsessed with a lego program called lego digital designer, and he has been making robots in it that are blowing my mind. he also said that once you're done building something in it, you can just order the legos that you used to build it and lego will send them to you. WAT. there are no words.

we watched agents of shield, and you know, at first i thought the show was hokey, but i'm completely addicted now. i was really moved by this episode, probably because i'm so emotionally invested in them now, and it was really good. after that, i sat on my laptop to get some work done, spent way more time on facebook and looking at bad things cats are doing (thanks, sue!) and squeeing over the fact that grumpy cat favorited geekadelphia's tweet about my grumpy cat book review. AMAZING.

and now i'm just chilling on the couch, writing this blog post, thinking about what i want to do tonight, and realizing it's already after midnight. where does the time go? i'm going to try to at least accomplish a few things on my to-do list before i lay down. that or run around some more in the bravely default demo... or look at more cat pictures. anything's possible.

2013: a year in review

i don't normally do this, but 2013 has been such an interesting year that i wanted to go back and document everything. i know i've missed a lot, but these are the basic highs and lows of what happened all year.

in general:

got paid for writing.
2013 was the year i started getting paid for my writing. it's the first time i can actually say "yes, i am a professional writer." my whole life i have described myself as "a writer," and while i think it's lame to only be able to publicly say it once i'm getting paid for it, at least now i'm legitimized in the eyes of the world. I AM A WRITER. for real. first-grade nicole reading her book about my little ponies to a lot of bored adults (including my mortified mother) would be proud.

follow-up resolution for 2014 related to this: i love all of the extra curricular things i do, but in 2014, my goal is to get paid for all of my writing and journalistic endeavors.

successfully attended meetings for three book clubs.
on top of the incredibly wonderful "book club that doesn't suck," which has been going strong for several years now, i also started going to what i refer to as "the lady book club," a book club that several of anthony's friend's girlfriends are involved in. i had been reading most of the books but hadn't actually attended a meeting, and now that i've started, i adore it. i also went to a meeting of the "philadelphia sci fi book club," which is another one that i'd been reading the books for but hadn't made a meeting. i only went to one meeting - they're held on saturdays usually, which is when we have dungeons & dragons - but still. i went. go me!

follow-up resolution for 2014 related to this: while i was doing a lot of great socializing and reading, i didn't actually read a lot of books in 2014. i read a measly 27 books all year! that almost half a book a week. i need to step up my reading game.

played a million video games and tabletop RPGs.
seriously i played so many games my head was spinning. i got heavily into PC gaming this year for the first time in my life, which was really exciting. also, anthony just bought a brand new computer, and bequeathed his old one to me, which means i'm going to dust off my steam account and get to gaming. in tabletop gaming, we've recently gotten really into dungeon world and sixth world (dungeon world shadowrun), which has been fun. our regular home games of fourth edition dungeons & dragons have sort of stopped, due to some family problems one of our friends is having, but we're hoping to get back into that at least once or twice a month.

follow-up resolution for 2014 related to this: i really love tabletop gaming, but right now, we're in about eight games, so i need to cut back a bit. we're busy almost every day of the week with one thing or another, and i need some more "me" time, especially since every time i take a class, it destroys my social life. cutting back on activities might make the transitions into and out of class time a little easier for me.

which goes nicely into the next accomplishment...

finished up my sixth and seventh of 15 classes for my master's degree in library sciences.
it was hard work, but i took the course i'd been dreading since i started the program, and did amazingly well in it! writing a grant was pretty much one of the most intimidating learning experiences i've ever had. i loved it. and then this past term i took my last core class and did well in that, too. i'm nearly halfway there. so exciting!

follow-up resolution for 2014 related to this: i've been doing a decent job paying my debt down, and if i can really crack down and pay off my credit card in full this year, and then my student loan next year, i'll be able to take more than just the courses drexel pays for (they cover two per year, but i can take up to two per term - it just ends up getting taken out of my paycheck in taxes over that). so i'm going to try to cut back on spending so much money and put more of it towards getting rid of my debt so i can finish my coursework.

and now, some highlights from 2013!

JANUARY
january was a tough month. i was having some serious issues with insecurity, and just generally feeling shitty. i managed to pull myself out of it and work through a lot of it, and while i still struggle with insecurity even today, this last year has been a real milestone for me. also notable in january: ray merkler and i met to discuss bringing gameloop philly back again, and started putting the wheels in motion.

FEBRUARY
february was awesome in that i got to go to my first indiecade! indiecade finally came to the east coast, and was held at the museum of moving art in new york city. i spent the weekend with brianne galli and ryan littlefield, as well as loads of my friends from philly. i met some amazing new people and played so many fun games. it was one of the best weekends of the whole year!

MARCH
in march we went back to PAX East again, and this time we had managed to score rooms in the hotel attached to the convention center, which makes all the difference in boston in winter. not having to ever put a coat on or lug stuff around is always a bonus! we made lots of new friends, played tons of good games, and just generally had a great time running around all weekend. it's also the one weekend a year i get to see and spend time with john and holly scalzo, which is always wonderful.

APRIL
in april, zenas bellace and i drove down to raleigh, north carolina to attend the east coast game conference. i felt way, way out of my league there at first, because i tend to feel like i'm not good enough or experienced enough to be talking to people about game design. but by the end of the weekend, i felt more at home, and i'm glad that i went and got the chance to go to so many great talks and meet some amazing people in the industry. i also got to have lunch with a friend from high school, jackie fricke, who i hadn't seen in something like 15 years! it was an incredible week. i was also on a panel at the women in tech summit, discussing girl geek dinners philadelphia. corinne got some really great photos of me.

MAY
may was crazy. we brought gameloop philly back, and it was a blast! there were lots of great talks and fantastic people. everyone was really excited about it. and the following week, i was on a panel about video game writing at the week of writing at drexel, with will stallwood, amanda lange, and chris grant. it was an incredible week. i was so wiped out by it mentally and physically. oh, and our lease started in may! anthony and i officially started our big move that month. the only bad thing about the move was that i had to give my cats to my mom, because we discovered over the winter when anthony got bronchitis and pneumonia that he was horribly allergic to cats. i was really sad about that. i spent a lot of time with my cats before we gave them to my mom, who was thrilled to have them.

 JUNE
june was when we officially moved into our new place in west philly. we love, love, LOVE our new place! it's so spacious, with hardwood floors and radiator heat (which has its ups and downs, but i really enjoy being hot in the winter, so i love it!). and one of the best things about the move was that i finally took the initiative and got rid of a ludicrous amount of stuff. i threw out dozens of bags of clothes, which i couldn't donate because my old place was full of moths and carpet beetles (i tried to get rid of them, but to no avail). it was really freeing to get rid of so much stuff.

JULY
we spent most of july settling into our new place and unpacking and all of the good stuff of first stretching out in a new apartment. i also reconnected with an old friend, which was an amazing experience and i was really happy and excited about it, and continue to feel really great about it.

AUGUST
august was a lot of great milestones for me. i called 1-800-GOTJUNK and got rid of my public storage place in one fell swoop. it was a unit for a one-bedroom apartment's worth of storage, and had stuff in there ranging as far back from childhood. i'd had it for over a decade, and every time i tried to go through it, i was horrified by how many bugs had taken refuge in it, as well as how poorly my belongings had reacted to the extreme outdoor weathers (it wasn't climate controlled). i finally just called the junk people and paid them to haul it all away in one shot. it was hard - but thrilling - to let go of everything. and knowing that it was recycled and what was salvageable was saved made me feel so much better about it! august was also when anthony and i made our first game together - the card game, resistor - during a cipher prime game jam. we ended up taking first place and winning an ouya! and we also celebrated our two-year anniversary that month. it was all very exciting!

SEPTEMBER
the most memorable thing that happened in september was that i finally returned to seattle for PAX Prime for the first time in three years. i was utterly thrilled to go back! i got to see so many wonderful people who i only see at events like these, and also made so many new friends as well. we stayed at our friend zenas' friend alex's house - he lives out in the seattle suburbs in an awesome house. i had never been able to do that before - it was always hotels, hotels, hotels. we also went to PAX Dev, which was a first for me, and if i end up going out there again, i'll never miss another one. there was nothing quite like those six days in seattle. it was a beautiful experience, and i cried when it was over.

OCTOBER
i tried to put less on my plate as the year started to wind down, but to no avail. i was on a panel about women in games at the grassroots game conference, which was another really fantastic experience. i met some great people and got to share and hear a lot of stories about the industry. that was the same week my friends brianne galli and ryan littlefield visited us from new york, and stayed in our apartment. it was so exciting to have guests sleep over, and to have enough room for us all to be comfortable! i had a wonderful time. finally, i "graduated" from therapy that month - i had started in february 2011, and it has been one hell of a ride trying to work through some of my issues as well as dealing with my stomach problems, which were caused by all the anxiety and stress i was under. i was nervous about not going to therapy anymore, but it felt good to be on my own and try to trust myself and my instincts.

NOVEMBER
in the beginning of november, the dismemberment plan's reunion tour hit philadelphia, and anthony and i went with our friend stacy. it was a magical time! their new album is great, and seeing them in concert after so many years made me feel so young. i bounced around and sang until i lost my voice. but as the month wore on, i experienced one of the worst things that has ever happened to me: my beloved puppycat grew sick and passed away. i was so incredibly heartbroken. i don't think anything has ever hurt that bad in my entire life. he was my best friend for a decade, and i missed him terribly when he went to my mom's, but knowing he was out there and happy and being spoiled was a comfort to me, albeit a small one. i missed his companionship and his purrs and his soft, wonderful fur. that night, anthony and i went to my mom's, and he helped me to bury him. my poor mother was beside herself. i don't think i've ever cried as hard as i did for those two weeks. it was a very dark time.

later that night, we went to philly game forge for their showcase, where we showed off kobolds and resistor. being around so many of my friends, who kept checking up on me and giving me hugs all night long, still brings me to tears. i think i learned the true meaning of community that night. there was so much support and so much love... and just... wow. and the number of people who came out to check out our games blew my mind. the whole event was exactly where i needed to be, where i belonged.

DECEMBER
december was really just me scrambling to finish up all of my coursework for my final core requirement, and i got an A in my class! i was so happy - and so relieved - when it was over. i also did a bunch of Responsible stuff, like signing up for retirement, which made me super proud of myself. and ray and i started planning for gameloop 2014 (we have a date!) and karissa and i started planning for girl geek dinners events in 2014, and i also met with will at cipher prime to discuss our awesome little community and how to grow it. and, at the end of 2013, during our wonderful vacation, anthony and i played about a million video games together. he got his new computer, which means i get his old computer, which we hooked up to the television in our living room. we've also got some wired controllers, so we played local and online co-op. the whole time off was a blur of fun.

there are so many things i haven't mentioned here - hanging out with the space dukes on sunday nights, going to dev night every thursday, board game nights at redcap's and circle of hope with our friends, the people i play dungeons & dragons with during our regular games and at conventions, being involved in warp zoned and geekadelphia and perpetual geek machine and crossed purposes and girl geek dinners, all the time we've spent with friends in west philly now that we moved out here closer to so many of them, the fun i've had with my family throughout the year, all of my friends who got married and engaged and had beautiful babies... so, so many wonderful things. i'm sure i missed a lot, so i guess what i'm saying is: it was terrific, and filled with lots of great people, places, things, and ideas.

2013 has been a beautiful year. 2014, can you raise the bar?

for my special little guy

i was dreaming about him when the phone rang, too early to be anything but bad news.

i was dreaming about him the way he was when he first found me.

"He's seven pounds," my mom was raging into the phone when she brought him back from the hospital. that's how much he weighed when he found me, i thought.

he has tiny grey hairs, i said in surprise, when i was laying with him at the hospital. he was laying on a grey metal table. i was trying to figure out how i could spend the night there, in the veterinary hospital, at his side. "he's old," my mom said. "he's had those hairs." i just touched his rich fur, staring at the tiny grey hairs. then i laid my face on his side and took a deep breath of him, of what he smelled like. not even all his time in the hospital could take that beautiful smell away.

when i realized what time it was, my whole body went cold. 5:51AM. my alarm was set to go off at 6:30, to call my mom, to ask her how he was doing, had he eaten? was he meowing?

but the phone was ringing. it was her.

mom? is he ok?

"no," she said. "the pup passed away."

it took time, it took precious seconds ticking away to realize what she said. anthony asked what it was. pup passed away.

and then the sobs came, the horrible sobs, the gnawing doubt, was it my fault? did i do this?

no. every decision i made felt right; even now, i didn't regret them. the instant panic washed over me, though: what to do right this second? i have to get there, to hold him, to bury him. he at least died at home, not in a cage. he died with dignity, held in arms that loved him.

we both calmed down. calls were made, sadness swept through me, over and over. when i called back, i didn't expect an answer, but asked anyway:

what time did he die?

5:16, my mom said, and wept.

he's lived with my mom for six months. the month before he left, i came home every night and held him, played with him, slept with him. let him hang out with me while i got a shower. talked to him, made up new songs with his name. even now, six months later, songs about him come unbidden into my head. i want to sing them all, always. they burst out of me, and i look for him.

one day, i was sad, and laid down on the couch. i felt tired, bone-weary. my hand was over the side of the couch, and i swear, i was waiting to feel his nose press on my fingers, his meow at my side. "what is it, mom?"

i have to bury him tonight. i can't even think about that right now. right now all i can say is: thank you, pup. thank you for being my best friend for the last decade. i love you. i always will. you will always be the captain of my heart. i will always be yours.

and done!

so, yesterday was our panel on video game writing at the week of writing, and it went incredibly well!! after it was done, i felt like a million pounds got lifted off of my shoulders. i survived the last three days. huzzah!!

i came home, did a bunch of packing, played pandora's tower, and got some laundry done. oh, and i think i finished a book? it's so hard sometimes with kindle versions because you can't tell what's supplementary. anyway, i did a lot, is what i'm saying. and now i can just focus on this move, which feels pretty good. :)

time to make the donuts!

two down...

Grandmom's 80th surprise party yesterday was a success! Missed Anamanaguchi, but spent a lot of quality time with cousins I never see. Exhausted, but still have one more major thing to push through before I can rest. I think I can, I think I can...

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

one down

gameloop philly 2013 is over! i'm completely exhausted and my head is killing me and i'm pretty sure i won't have a voice tomorrow, but i also haven't been this happy in i don't even know how long.

time to go to bed.

The thing about stress

i've been reading a lot of things online about stress and depression and so much of it resonates with me that i think it actually starts to make me feel even more stressed and depressed, and then i talked about all of it, which ends up making it all even worse.

anthony showed me an article called all work and no pay: the great speed up, which just confirmed my horrible paranoia from high school: that we'll never escape animal farm, no matter how hard we try. so much of it hit home for me - especially the comments on multitasking (If you multitask constantly, your actual mental circuitry erodes, and your brain loses its ability to focus") and this super depressing zinger: "Dreading once-pleasant diversions, like dinner with friends, as just one more thing on your to-do list?"

i can't remember the last time i looked forward to something consistently. sure, there's always the initial moment, when i feel excited about something - getting dinner with an old friend, going on an adventure somewhere, even hitting up the movies with my boyfriend. but i begin to feel apprehensive, like i've made the wrong decision, like i could be doing other things with my time. time spent playing video games (even for reviews) should be spent writing articles; time spent writing articles is when i should be packing for my big move; time spent packing should be spent with my cats before i have to give them up (my boyfriend has terrible allergies, we've just learned, and it's my cats that have been giving him asthma attacks the last few months).

let's just focus on that one thing for a moment: i feel like i'm abandoning one of my best friends. i have two cats, and one of them, the pup, has been my best friend for the last decade. sure, that might sound ridiculous, but when i moved into my old apartment after a horrible year, i basically secluded myself in that place and did nothing but watch netflix DVDs and hang out with my cats. the pup became my best friend, and i talked to him and cuddled with him every day. and now i'm abandoning him, and i'm just so completely bummed out about it that some nights i just go home and hug him and cry.

don't worry, i'm not suicidal. i haven't even taken a xanax tonight to curb my anxiety. i'm just at a point of hopelessness that i keep reaching, and i feel like maybe if i write something, anything, it will help.

before someone calls 9-1-1, i'll go onto the next item, which is depression part two at hyperbole and a half. while it was nice to read something so fucking spot on for how i'm feeling, it was also terrifying. she said "However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable."

i realized the other day that i'm some kind of monstrous robot when it comes to small talk - i can just do it. it pours out of me like it's no big deal. i blurt out comments about the weather with alarming speed. in fact, sometimes, at work, i know exactly what a person is going to ask for, so i just answer their question for them - not necessarily because i have a dog-like yearn to please everyone so they'll like me (i could write a book on that), but because i want to get them what they want as quickly as possible so they'll go away and i won't have to turn on my horrible small talk machine.

who am i when i do that? i hear myself asking about children, spouses, cars, houses, friends of friends, pets, things that i don't even know i have filed away, things that most certainly are taking up space i need for something else, and yet it's all in this complicated little filing system that pops open smoothly and hands people everything they want to hear.

of course, i'm not always like this, and it's not that i dislike people - not by a long shot. i wouldn't bother meticulously gathering and filing all that information on people i didn't like. well, that's not true - people i don't like are sequestered in another part of my brain. i guess the people i don't care about at all are the ones i neither like nor dislike - and those people i can barely keep any information straight about at all.

anyway, allison (from hyperbole and a half) says a lot of other things that rang true with me, like "The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. "

it almost becomes a pissing contest whenever i try to talk to people about how i'm feeling. like, "oh, you're having a bad day? listen to this giant pile of shit my life is!" to which i usually just give up on trying to actually communicate with a human being and let them beat me to death with the giant dick of their one-up-itude.

anyway, i'm not going to quote the entire rest of the blog post she wrote, despite it being spot on about how i feel, so i'll just let you go read it, and just know that I HAVE HAD THAT CORN MOMENT. but right now, i am just in a hate everything in the world phase, and i have no idea why. sure, i'm under massive amounts of stress, from:

full-time job
part-time jobs
school
moving into a new apartment
abandoning my cats
being involved in a million things

and so that might be a big part of it. i am in therapy, and on medication for anxiety and gastroparesis, but some days, i just feel like i need more. i feel like i need to just check the fuck out of life for a few days and sit somewhere in a well-lit room and read some books and no, not go to group therapy or work out my feelings or determine how to deal with things, but to just be myself and alone and not have to feel obligated to talk to anyone or answer a phone or reply to an email.

dear god, to not have to reply to an email.

anyway, in writing this, i've successfully avoided finishing the articles i need to write tonight, so i'm going to get on that. i also didn't eat any dinner, which is probably making me even crankier. but writing all of this did make me feel better, so i guess there's that.

it's time.

i've been busy lately - insanely busy, you could say. this weekend we went to a battle interactive, where my upper-level paragon character, emberyll, just leveled out to epic. it was bittersweet.

more later. backstreet's back, all right.

i should also mention

i did notice that i missed writing for a week. things have been very busy. i wrote a lot last week - a ludicrous amount, in fact. possibly more than any other time except that week when i took off and wrote something like 25,000 words for a novel i was working on. that's a lot of words.

in a nutshell: did a lot of writing, did a lot of reading, played d&d, watched a lot of true blood, cleaned my apartment, sold some dvds, played zeitgeist, played board games (king of tokyo, pandemic, miskatonic school for girls), played ascension, played video games (prototype, disgaea, borderlands, awesomenauts), had a hard time at therapy (but when don't i these days?), and made my to-do list ever longer with each passing day.

yup, same old, same old. home now getting stuff done... well, hopefully i will get some stuff done. if i don't, i'll end up collapsed on this couch, playing video games all day. or i'll go on a mad search for tin roof sundae ice cream, playtest splice over at cipher prime, and nap a lot.

all the things

so much to do today. i took off friday and today to get stuff done around the house, and i did do a lot friday, but didn't get done as much as i thought i would. i often have unrealistic expectations. today i'm going to chip away at it one piece at a time and get done what i can and try not to get overwhelmed/discouraged.

oh, we finished up season four of true blood, which means i'll have to watch season five like everyone else: week to week. that's... weak. and i finished reading the first kurosagi corpse delivery service book last night, and we watched daybreakers and the first episode of tron: uprising. and i got rid of 100 dvds on friday. an entire apartment full of junk left to go...

moodiness abounds

so last night, i did get some stuff done - cleaned up an interview i'd transcribed and worked on some other stuff. we also watched the latest legend of korra episode. and i played some disgaea. i've also been reading the comic invincible, which i really love, and i've started re-reading the kurosagi corpse delivery service. it was the first manga i'd ever read, and by first, i mean i read the first volume and then never followed up with it. so now i'm re-reading the first and picked up the second one to read when i'm done.

ant and i have been listening to the kinks a lot lately as well. i didn't realize how many songs i knew by them. i picked up some of their albums after seeing the darjeeling limited. ant put one on at my place, and since then, it's been on both of our playlists regularly. i also listened to some violent femmes today - i've had them in my head recently but today was the first time i actively tried to scratch that itch.

today was stressful. my eye is still twitching... it's been twitching for something like 24 hours now. i looked it up on the internet and the most logical thing it said was STRESS. gee, thanks, body, for letting me know i'm stressed out. i didn't realize it. after work i went to therapy and cried a lot. it felt good to cry, but at the same time, i'm just so moody lately. i kept vacillating between "it's the end of the world and i'm a massive loser" and "life is great yay i love everyone!" i mostly just need more sleep, i think.

one of the things i talked about in therapy is how much stuff i have, and how it's a huge psychological burden to me. i've got stuff in my apartment, stuff at my mom's house, and stuff in a storage place. i'm off for a few days coming up, so i'm going to go through all my dvds and sell some locally, and get rid of some of my books, and start going through some of the paperwork and mail i have everywhere. i just need to let things go. i've got weird quirks, attachment issues, and more disorders than i can possibly imagine. it's time to stop letting them control me.

i feel helpless lately. it's time to take some of that power back.

also, i gotta get some work done. if i chip at it slowly, it's far less horrible. i can do it. i think i can, i think i can...

writing writing writing

no matter how much writing i do, there is always more to be done. note: this is not a complaint. it would be nicer if there was always more writing to be done and i was getting paid for it, but there is still room for that somewhere in the future. for now, i am happy with writing, and editing, and reading, and gaming, even if there are not enough hours in the day for all of it.

last night i did some writing and ended up passing out early. i had the strangest dreams. one was about an exboyfriend from over a decade ago. he asked me to babysit his children for him. one of them turned out to be a loudmouthed racist. it was very bizarre. the other was about my most recent exboyfriend. i went to the house my grandparents used to live in, and he was there. he went through my groceries and stole my cheerios. when i told my friend ryan about it, he said, "that sounds like a thing he would really do." i couldn't help but agree.

for whatever reason, today was a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. it's been building up and getting worse over the last few days, but today was like a maelstrom, and i got a glimpse of something horrible at the bottom. part of it is stress from work, part of it is stress from personal work, part of it is stress from my therapist leaving and not knowing if i'm going to stay with her, part of it is family drama, part of it is my rent going up and a desire to move. that is a huge pie chart of stomachaches.

it doesn't help that i had another frap this morning. after not having coffee for several months, the sudden influx of caffeine into my system is a shock. by the afternoon, i felt like i was going to vomit. but it was so tasty. i am a sad panda.

i wanted to do laundry after work, but my stomach was in such an upheaval that i didn't want to spend an hour in the laundromat. so i headed over to ant's instead, with my laptop, my mouse, and my PSP, loaded up with disgaea. i got stuck at a spot in the game months ago and haven't touched it since, but i've been thinking about it a lot, so i'm going to pick it back up again. but now it's time to get down to work. by that i mean eat dinner, watch legend of korra, and then struggle through some more writing.

five posts in five days. this might be a record...

getting things done

yesterday, we spent the day playing d&d. it was glorious. we have a game in the morning called Zeitgeist that was created by some people over at enworld.org, and at night, we have a home game. we've all been pretty busy lately, so gaming has been hard to come by. it was nice to have a full day of it. afterwards, ant and i went back to my place and finished up season three of true blood. it ended on so many cliffhangers that i wanted to start watching season four right then and there. those jerks!

i also finished up touch my katamari yesterday, and ant and i played a ton of ascension on my ipad. ironically, it's made us want to get the physical board game even more, because we want to actually play the game out longer, and there's no way to do that in the app - it's got a set number of points.

today, we woke up late, lounged around, i did a lot of cleaning, and i played some borderlands. oh, and i played some more prototype last night before bed. we headed out, stopped at the comic shop to pick some stuff up (ant got some hellboy, i got some DMZ and kurosagi corpse delivery service), then we came back here and watched game of thrones. now we're getting ready to watch the latest episode of the legend of korra, and i'm working on my review of johannes cabal: the fear institute and doing some editing.

i've been a bit stressed out lately because i'm involved in a lot of stuff. i've even cut down some of it and i still feel stressed out. sometimes i feel like i'm just  not organized enough to keep up this breakneck speed of a schedule. i've got some time off coming up, so hopefully i'll be able to get myself together a little better. in the meantime, another work week starts tomorrow. monday always comes so quickly...