ah, life. it's just a series of days, one following the next. lately, i've been fighting a cold, so i've been more tired than usual. but i've also been more determined than ever to start writing in here again.
what have i been up to? a lot! girl geek dinners, games in philly, warp zoned, press 1, geekadelphia, per contra, skeeball, dungeons and dragons, board games, blood bowl, gamma world, bookclubs, reading, writing, gaming, listening to music, watching movies and tv shows. we had an awesome event for the GGD last night; i've been writing a ton for the sites i'm involved with; we were the skeeball champions last skeeson (only lost one game!); and there's been a lot of gaming - on and off the top of the table. i've read loads of books and manga and comics, watched a lot of tv, finally saw tron and tron: legacy, and even went to the movies over the holiday break a few times. it has been a media frenzy up in here.
health-wise, things have been strange. my gastroparesis has been acting up again something vicious. my anxiety has been up and down, but i'd have to say that i've been more aware of it and i've been working through it. i feel like i've been getting better and better, but i still have obvious moments where i feel like i'm walking backwards, not forwards.
there's so much i want to talk about, but i just got done writing some articles and i'm tired. i do want to start writing in here again, but i put so much pressure on myself to have something to write about. i keep forgetting that it's a blog, and that the "about" part is just me. i can write whatever i want. i can do whatever i want. and what i want is to write.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, November 18, 2011
How many licks does it take?
I've tried to write this blog post half a dozen times, and yet somehow I've failed to finish a single one. So hopefully this time I will manage to finish a full thought, at least.
First: I'm writing this from my shiny new iPad! I love this thing. I barely have any apps on it yet - I've downloaded some, but for the most part, I don't really like them. The Facebook and Twitter apps suck; I can't find a blogspot app that doesn't suck. I don't like the Google chat app i found, either. I was hoping I could run the D&D character creator, but it runs on Silverlight, so that has been mostly futile. I did put Netflix on it, which has been absolutely ridiculously amazing. Other than that, I've mostly just been checking email and writing on it. The keyboard doesn't bother me at all - actually enjoy typing with it, though I'm obviously not as efficient as I am on a regular keyboard. For the most part, though, I really like it. It works for what I need it to do, and as I slowly get more acclimated to it, I like it more and more.
What else...there's just so much going on, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start with real life. I had dinner with Michelle Pagnani a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! I hadn't seen her in years, but we had kept in touch, especially recently. We talked about everything, and mostly just realized how alike we are in so many ways. We want to plan a little happy hour with a bunch of the former English majors, which I would really love, if we could all find the time.
We saw Electric Six that same week. It was one of the most fun concerts I've ever been to! Anthony got me into them when we started dating, and I've been hooked ever since. We saw them at Johnny Brenda's with a bunch of people - Bailey, George, Kristin, Bill, BJ, and Aaron were all there. I spent most of the night drinking and dancing with Anthony. It was so...I don't even know. Liberating? It felt so good to dance and laugh and sing with Anthony, who is just so free and fun to be with. My words are failing me right now...which has been happening a lot lately.
Anyway, what else? Skeeball is a blast! We finished the regular season last night and remained undefeated! I rolled a 290 in our first game, and in the second game, during the mystery round, I scored a 190...rolling blindfolded with my left hand. It was a great moment. Finals are in two weeks. Registration has already opened for the next skeeson, and so far I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could stick with my team, because we have a really great rapport, or I could make my own team with my friends, because so many people have expressed an interest in it. So I have to make a decision about it tonight.
I got my hair cut again, too, the day of the Geekadelphia Halloween party. It is shorter than my original cut, which grew way too fast into my eyes. Even now, three weeks later, my hair has grown so crazy quickly! I can't believe it. The party itself was ok - Ant and I were the two main characters from Breaking Bad, Walt and Jesse. Everyone loved our costumes. But I was feeling super fragile - I've been having some self-images issues recently, and dressing as a boy for Halloween drew out all kinds of anxiety. I ended up freaking out and Ant and I had a big fight that went on for most of the weekend. I did a lot of introspecting that weekend, but not before reigning destruction down around me. I know that I can't keep living my life like a bull in a china shop. I know I can't keep wrecking the feelings of the people around me. The people who stay are true friends who love me dearly and will stick with me no matter what, but knowing that doesn't always bring me comfort, because I cringe to think about the pain I've caused them.
In short: I'm lucky to have Ant, and Bailey, and Schneegas, and George. They've brought me through the awful haze that has been the last few weeks, and for that I am grateful. I'm lucky to have a lot of other people, too - Michelle and Veronica, and Chris and Ryan, and John and Holly, and Rachel and Vanessa, and Ian and Brian and Brett. There are too many people to name them all. I'm just a really lucky person who can't be grateful enough.
And I think I've reached my sap quota. I had taken off the week after the party, to work on my novel, which I didn't do. I did go the dentist, therapist, and Gastoenterolgoist; I did play and beat Uncharted 3; I did play a lot of Blood Bowl in our league at Redcap's; I did read a lot of 1Q84, the new Murakami book; I jdid play Skeeball; I did play three games of D&D. I had no cavities and my stomach doctor thinks things are getting better. My therapy appointment was a little mixed....my therapist left the practice, and plans on retiring soon. So that was our last appointment together. I actually ended up crying at the end because I was so sad. She is the first person I've ever really completely opened up to - I told her things I've never said out loud before. I had never given details on any of the sexual abuse I've gone through, not until three months ago when I told her. I felt sad that she was leaving; I felt anxious thinking about starting all over again with a new therapist. She was sad, too - there were tears in both of our eyes when we said goodbye. She set me up with another therapist in the practice, though, and I've seen her twice so far. I like her, and I think that the slow pace we're taking is exactly what I need right now. Everything has been so intense lately, and dialing it down feels good.
Last week was similar to the week before it - I played two more Blood Bowl games at the shop, and played D&D encounters...our last encounter, followed by dim sum at New Harmony. It was lame going back to work, and I also skipped Skeeball to pack for MEPACon, which was the 11th to the 13th. MEPACon is a D&D convention held in Clark's Summit, PA. I was nervous about it,but it ended up being an absolute BLAST! I played 7 mods total, and leveled 2 of my characters - Genza, my ranger, went from 8th to 9th, and Emberyll, my bladesinger, went from 14th to 16th. I did have a minor freak out on the second night, but I talked it through with Anthony, and we got through it.
This past week has been a complete blur. Monday after work I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, then I had a conference call about GameLoop Philly, and then I basically just passed the hell out. I was exhausted. Tuesday I had work, then went to Redcap's for Blood Bowl and hung out with everyone all night. We went back to my place afterwards, which was really nice. Wednesday was work, then the character creation meeting for our new encounter, and then Ant and I went to his friend Gil's place for a board game night. We watched them finish up a game of Dixit, and then played Pandemic with the expansion, which made things even more complicated than usual! Yesterday I didn't have work because I had two doctor's appointments, so I went home in the morning, did some cleaning and food shopping, went to my appointments, did some laundry, then went to Skeeball, where we proceeded to win our final two games. After that, I took the bus to Ant's and he made us some dinner and we decided to try out Pandemic with just two players. It was really fun, and both times we came close to winning...but of course, we lost. I mean, come on. It's Pandemic!!
Work was boring today, and now I'm just chilling at Redcap's, watching Ant play Roland in Blood Bowl while writing this. I was supposed to have a game tonight, too, but Sam cancelled on me. On, and I'm also reading the Uncharted book, which is surprisingly not that bad. I need to review that and the game and a bunch of other stuff. Hopefully my writer's block will get thawed out a little by this giant blog post I'm writing right now :)
There is so much more I want to write about - my therapy appointment yesterday, which was the anniversary of Eric's death, as well. How my anxiety has been. How today is the first day I've felt normal in weeks. The crazy dreams I've been having. What's been going on with my novel. My thoughts on self-image, being invisible, and androgyny. The book of poetry I am putting together. The socks I want to buy. The music I've been listening to. The anime I've been watching. The handmade jewelry I just had commissioned. But I think this is enough writing for now.
First: I'm writing this from my shiny new iPad! I love this thing. I barely have any apps on it yet - I've downloaded some, but for the most part, I don't really like them. The Facebook and Twitter apps suck; I can't find a blogspot app that doesn't suck. I don't like the Google chat app i found, either. I was hoping I could run the D&D character creator, but it runs on Silverlight, so that has been mostly futile. I did put Netflix on it, which has been absolutely ridiculously amazing. Other than that, I've mostly just been checking email and writing on it. The keyboard doesn't bother me at all - actually enjoy typing with it, though I'm obviously not as efficient as I am on a regular keyboard. For the most part, though, I really like it. It works for what I need it to do, and as I slowly get more acclimated to it, I like it more and more.
What else...there's just so much going on, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start with real life. I had dinner with Michelle Pagnani a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! I hadn't seen her in years, but we had kept in touch, especially recently. We talked about everything, and mostly just realized how alike we are in so many ways. We want to plan a little happy hour with a bunch of the former English majors, which I would really love, if we could all find the time.
We saw Electric Six that same week. It was one of the most fun concerts I've ever been to! Anthony got me into them when we started dating, and I've been hooked ever since. We saw them at Johnny Brenda's with a bunch of people - Bailey, George, Kristin, Bill, BJ, and Aaron were all there. I spent most of the night drinking and dancing with Anthony. It was so...I don't even know. Liberating? It felt so good to dance and laugh and sing with Anthony, who is just so free and fun to be with. My words are failing me right now...which has been happening a lot lately.
Anyway, what else? Skeeball is a blast! We finished the regular season last night and remained undefeated! I rolled a 290 in our first game, and in the second game, during the mystery round, I scored a 190...rolling blindfolded with my left hand. It was a great moment. Finals are in two weeks. Registration has already opened for the next skeeson, and so far I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could stick with my team, because we have a really great rapport, or I could make my own team with my friends, because so many people have expressed an interest in it. So I have to make a decision about it tonight.
I got my hair cut again, too, the day of the Geekadelphia Halloween party. It is shorter than my original cut, which grew way too fast into my eyes. Even now, three weeks later, my hair has grown so crazy quickly! I can't believe it. The party itself was ok - Ant and I were the two main characters from Breaking Bad, Walt and Jesse. Everyone loved our costumes. But I was feeling super fragile - I've been having some self-images issues recently, and dressing as a boy for Halloween drew out all kinds of anxiety. I ended up freaking out and Ant and I had a big fight that went on for most of the weekend. I did a lot of introspecting that weekend, but not before reigning destruction down around me. I know that I can't keep living my life like a bull in a china shop. I know I can't keep wrecking the feelings of the people around me. The people who stay are true friends who love me dearly and will stick with me no matter what, but knowing that doesn't always bring me comfort, because I cringe to think about the pain I've caused them.
In short: I'm lucky to have Ant, and Bailey, and Schneegas, and George. They've brought me through the awful haze that has been the last few weeks, and for that I am grateful. I'm lucky to have a lot of other people, too - Michelle and Veronica, and Chris and Ryan, and John and Holly, and Rachel and Vanessa, and Ian and Brian and Brett. There are too many people to name them all. I'm just a really lucky person who can't be grateful enough.
And I think I've reached my sap quota. I had taken off the week after the party, to work on my novel, which I didn't do. I did go the dentist, therapist, and Gastoenterolgoist; I did play and beat Uncharted 3; I did play a lot of Blood Bowl in our league at Redcap's; I did read a lot of 1Q84, the new Murakami book; I jdid play Skeeball; I did play three games of D&D. I had no cavities and my stomach doctor thinks things are getting better. My therapy appointment was a little mixed....my therapist left the practice, and plans on retiring soon. So that was our last appointment together. I actually ended up crying at the end because I was so sad. She is the first person I've ever really completely opened up to - I told her things I've never said out loud before. I had never given details on any of the sexual abuse I've gone through, not until three months ago when I told her. I felt sad that she was leaving; I felt anxious thinking about starting all over again with a new therapist. She was sad, too - there were tears in both of our eyes when we said goodbye. She set me up with another therapist in the practice, though, and I've seen her twice so far. I like her, and I think that the slow pace we're taking is exactly what I need right now. Everything has been so intense lately, and dialing it down feels good.
Last week was similar to the week before it - I played two more Blood Bowl games at the shop, and played D&D encounters...our last encounter, followed by dim sum at New Harmony. It was lame going back to work, and I also skipped Skeeball to pack for MEPACon, which was the 11th to the 13th. MEPACon is a D&D convention held in Clark's Summit, PA. I was nervous about it,but it ended up being an absolute BLAST! I played 7 mods total, and leveled 2 of my characters - Genza, my ranger, went from 8th to 9th, and Emberyll, my bladesinger, went from 14th to 16th. I did have a minor freak out on the second night, but I talked it through with Anthony, and we got through it.
This past week has been a complete blur. Monday after work I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, then I had a conference call about GameLoop Philly, and then I basically just passed the hell out. I was exhausted. Tuesday I had work, then went to Redcap's for Blood Bowl and hung out with everyone all night. We went back to my place afterwards, which was really nice. Wednesday was work, then the character creation meeting for our new encounter, and then Ant and I went to his friend Gil's place for a board game night. We watched them finish up a game of Dixit, and then played Pandemic with the expansion, which made things even more complicated than usual! Yesterday I didn't have work because I had two doctor's appointments, so I went home in the morning, did some cleaning and food shopping, went to my appointments, did some laundry, then went to Skeeball, where we proceeded to win our final two games. After that, I took the bus to Ant's and he made us some dinner and we decided to try out Pandemic with just two players. It was really fun, and both times we came close to winning...but of course, we lost. I mean, come on. It's Pandemic!!
Work was boring today, and now I'm just chilling at Redcap's, watching Ant play Roland in Blood Bowl while writing this. I was supposed to have a game tonight, too, but Sam cancelled on me. On, and I'm also reading the Uncharted book, which is surprisingly not that bad. I need to review that and the game and a bunch of other stuff. Hopefully my writer's block will get thawed out a little by this giant blog post I'm writing right now :)
There is so much more I want to write about - my therapy appointment yesterday, which was the anniversary of Eric's death, as well. How my anxiety has been. How today is the first day I've felt normal in weeks. The crazy dreams I've been having. What's been going on with my novel. My thoughts on self-image, being invisible, and androgyny. The book of poetry I am putting together. The socks I want to buy. The music I've been listening to. The anime I've been watching. The handmade jewelry I just had commissioned. But I think this is enough writing for now.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Halloween is awesome
Monday, October 24, 2011
Philadelphia Film Festival
This weekend, Anthony and I went to see two Philadelphia Film Festival movies with our friend Phineas. On Saturday, we saw a super weird trippy sci fi movie called Beyond the Black Rainbow, which was sort of scattered and strange but worth seeing. Last night's movie was amazing - it was a thriller called Headhunters and, much to my surprise, had Jaime Lannister in it! He was fantastic as the super sinister bad guy, which is unsurprising. There are a handful of other movies I want to see, including one on Thursday and one on Monday, but I'm not sure if we'll make it to all of them.
In other news, I joined a skeeball league! I am a freelancer (or freeballer, if you will) and I ended up on a team full of awesome people called the Alex Mac Daddies. We had two games on Thursday and we won both! My highest roll was a 250, hot damn. It's exciting and fun!
I also finished "Breaking Bad" - did I mention that? And Anthony and I have one more episode of "The IT Crowd," and not much left in "Better Off Ted." We've been playing a ton of Blood Bowl as well - the board game, as well as the PSP and computer games. I also finished the second Dresden Files book, Fool Moon, and I'm trying to decide which book to read next, though I've been carrying around the rulebook for Gamma World in the hopes that we start that campaign soon. I'm excited!
Speaking of excitement, I'm also going to my first ever Dungeons and Dragons convention! I've never done that before. I hope I don't get super burnt out! I'll probably end up using my high level Bladesinger all weekend, but that's ok - I really want to get her levelled up so I can start playing the higher mods anyway, and I'd love to see what she's capable of in the higher levels. She's pretty bad ass right now as it is!
What else has been going on... I did some cleaning and laundry yesterday, though I could really do some more. My two Halloween costumes are almost finished - well, one is completely done, but I still need one small piece for the other! We ended up having to get two because we had one all planned out and started buying stuff for it and then found out our other party was mustache-themed, so now we have two, which has actually been pretty fun to put together :). I'll take plenty of pictures, don't worry :) I'm still slogging through Resistance 3 and I finished up Ico and need to start Shadow of the Colossus. Mostly I'm just chomping at the bit for Uncharted 3!! I've also been taking lots of pictures lately, which has been really fun, and doing as much writing as I can. This week is packed with stuff as well...
I don't think I'll be sleeping much...
Oh, and also, I'm on a new medication - it's called Buspar. My anxiety has been flaring up pretty badly, so my psychiatrist added that to what I'm already taking. He forgot to mention I shouldn't drink on it, so Friday night at boardgame night at Kristen's I went from slightly wine tipsy to annihilated in three glasses. I will be sure to 1) eat dinner, 2) not drink so fast, and 3) not take Buspar with wine. Not a good idea.
Ok, off to dinner! Be sure to check out some of these amazing videos by my Skeeball teammate, Kristin:
Dirty Signs with Kristin
They are ridiculously awesome.
Nik out!
In other news, I joined a skeeball league! I am a freelancer (or freeballer, if you will) and I ended up on a team full of awesome people called the Alex Mac Daddies. We had two games on Thursday and we won both! My highest roll was a 250, hot damn. It's exciting and fun!
I also finished "Breaking Bad" - did I mention that? And Anthony and I have one more episode of "The IT Crowd," and not much left in "Better Off Ted." We've been playing a ton of Blood Bowl as well - the board game, as well as the PSP and computer games. I also finished the second Dresden Files book, Fool Moon, and I'm trying to decide which book to read next, though I've been carrying around the rulebook for Gamma World in the hopes that we start that campaign soon. I'm excited!
Speaking of excitement, I'm also going to my first ever Dungeons and Dragons convention! I've never done that before. I hope I don't get super burnt out! I'll probably end up using my high level Bladesinger all weekend, but that's ok - I really want to get her levelled up so I can start playing the higher mods anyway, and I'd love to see what she's capable of in the higher levels. She's pretty bad ass right now as it is!
What else has been going on... I did some cleaning and laundry yesterday, though I could really do some more. My two Halloween costumes are almost finished - well, one is completely done, but I still need one small piece for the other! We ended up having to get two because we had one all planned out and started buying stuff for it and then found out our other party was mustache-themed, so now we have two, which has actually been pretty fun to put together :). I'll take plenty of pictures, don't worry :) I'm still slogging through Resistance 3 and I finished up Ico and need to start Shadow of the Colossus. Mostly I'm just chomping at the bit for Uncharted 3!! I've also been taking lots of pictures lately, which has been really fun, and doing as much writing as I can. This week is packed with stuff as well...
- tonight: dinner with Michelle Pagnani
- tomorrow night: new Murakami comes out! plan to read all night :)
- Wednesday night: dinner, D&D Encounters, Electric Six concert!
- Thursday night: either Skeeball or PFF movie
- Friday night: Indyhall/Geekadelphia Mustache party at Tattooed Mom's
- Saturday: D&D all day, Halloween party at Brian's at night
- Sunday: NOTHING all day so far, but PFF movie at night
I don't think I'll be sleeping much...
Oh, and also, I'm on a new medication - it's called Buspar. My anxiety has been flaring up pretty badly, so my psychiatrist added that to what I'm already taking. He forgot to mention I shouldn't drink on it, so Friday night at boardgame night at Kristen's I went from slightly wine tipsy to annihilated in three glasses. I will be sure to 1) eat dinner, 2) not drink so fast, and 3) not take Buspar with wine. Not a good idea.
Ok, off to dinner! Be sure to check out some of these amazing videos by my Skeeball teammate, Kristin:
Dirty Signs with Kristin
They are ridiculously awesome.
Nik out!
Monday, October 17, 2011
and i'm addicted to another book series
but at least it's an easy series to read - it's the dresden files. the books are like candy! i've already finished storm front and i'm nearly 100 pages into fool moon after picking it up earlier tonight. it's just sweet, sweet candy.
i'm exhausted right now. i didn't get much sleep last night - anthony and i were up late finishing up the last two episodes of "breaking bad" after we watched "the walking dead." i managed to make it through work, then headed to therapy, which got cancelled, then went home and ate and played some resistance 3, then took the bus to my psych appointment. it was there and back (and sitting in the waiting room) that i did the majority of my reading. and now i'm home, checking the internet for things of interest, and getting ready to go to bed early for a change. but i can't decide if i want to read, game, or watch a show once i get into bed. decisions, decisions...
this week isn't nearly as busy as last week, thankfully. here's hoping i get some much-needed down time.
i'm exhausted right now. i didn't get much sleep last night - anthony and i were up late finishing up the last two episodes of "breaking bad" after we watched "the walking dead." i managed to make it through work, then headed to therapy, which got cancelled, then went home and ate and played some resistance 3, then took the bus to my psych appointment. it was there and back (and sitting in the waiting room) that i did the majority of my reading. and now i'm home, checking the internet for things of interest, and getting ready to go to bed early for a change. but i can't decide if i want to read, game, or watch a show once i get into bed. decisions, decisions...
this week isn't nearly as busy as last week, thankfully. here's hoping i get some much-needed down time.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
mass confusion
Not that this comes as a surprise to anyone, but I am doing way too much stuff. It's at a point where I am massively stressed out over it. I really need to sort myself out, as they say.
In other news, new Walking Dead season tonight! I'm looking forward to that. I'm also really excited about the Philly Film Festival. I haven't gone in years, and, like the Fringe Festival, it's something I'm always interested in but never make it to.
Sigh. My life is in shambles. Will I ever learn?
In other news, new Walking Dead season tonight! I'm looking forward to that. I'm also really excited about the Philly Film Festival. I haven't gone in years, and, like the Fringe Festival, it's something I'm always interested in but never make it to.
Sigh. My life is in shambles. Will I ever learn?
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011
yay hard drives!
i got an amazing hard drive reader off of new egg (per the recommendation of my good friend george) which came today. i checked out some old hard drives i had sitting around, and found tons and tons of old pictures, old writing, and ALL of my old music. it was a glorious evening. i sifted through them while watching episodes of "breaking bad" and taking some time to read more of the first dresden files book, storm front. i even did some writing! i've been quite productive.
yesterday, i watched breaking bad until i fell asleep, and took a nap. when i woke up, i headed to redcap's and played a game of blood bowl with gil. we're in the pre-season still, and that was my second game - i played nurgles and he played amazons. we tied, which was way better than my first game, when i lost to aaron (though i did beat his team up!). afterwards, anthony and i headed back to his place, and i watched more breaking bad while he worked on his blood bowl team. i passed out around two, and then when he got into bed at four, he woke me up, and neither of us could fall asleep. minus: didn't get much sleep, bonus: made it to work early because we got up just after six, so i actually started getting ready at a reasonable time. ha!
so now, i'm at episode 10 of season three, and i am going to finish this one up and then, if i'm still not tired (i think it's amazing i'm even coherent right now!) then i'll watch one more episode and go to bed. anthony has seen the first episode of season four, so i just have four more left before i'm caught up to him and we can start watching the latest season together. i just wish i had more time in a day...
tomorrow is work, then d&d encounters, which i'm really looking forward to. i also need to make some time to go to comcast to drop off my little cable box thingy... or maybe i'll just mail it to them. no time for thinking now. time only for walt, jesse, and sleep.
yesterday, i watched breaking bad until i fell asleep, and took a nap. when i woke up, i headed to redcap's and played a game of blood bowl with gil. we're in the pre-season still, and that was my second game - i played nurgles and he played amazons. we tied, which was way better than my first game, when i lost to aaron (though i did beat his team up!). afterwards, anthony and i headed back to his place, and i watched more breaking bad while he worked on his blood bowl team. i passed out around two, and then when he got into bed at four, he woke me up, and neither of us could fall asleep. minus: didn't get much sleep, bonus: made it to work early because we got up just after six, so i actually started getting ready at a reasonable time. ha!
so now, i'm at episode 10 of season three, and i am going to finish this one up and then, if i'm still not tired (i think it's amazing i'm even coherent right now!) then i'll watch one more episode and go to bed. anthony has seen the first episode of season four, so i just have four more left before i'm caught up to him and we can start watching the latest season together. i just wish i had more time in a day...
tomorrow is work, then d&d encounters, which i'm really looking forward to. i also need to make some time to go to comcast to drop off my little cable box thingy... or maybe i'll just mail it to them. no time for thinking now. time only for walt, jesse, and sleep.
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