Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Movie Review: Expelled

First and foremost: sorry for the slacker-age. I've been soooo unbelievably busy that I've had very little time for myself. But I'd like to do something unprecedented here and write a review of a movie I haven't seen: the “most controversial” pile of dog-shit, by up-and-coming Michael-Moore-wannabe Ben Stein: Expelled.

Are you joking? Seriously. Is he kidding here? I really hope that, at the end, he jumps out of a cake that is shaped like a bible, and he’s got on fake wings and is wearing a halo and tutu and says “PSYCH!” Because for real, people. How did this happen? How did Ben Stein – Ben Stein! How did Ben Stein make a movie about intelligent design, and how is it that people are actually taking it seriously? This would be like me making a movie about how natural selection is bullshit and targeting only crackpots in my interviews for the movie and making sure I take kids in wheelchairs to K-Mart’s headquarters and OH WAIT! I’m not actually an expert on any of that, so why on earth would I make a movie about it?

I’m getting a bit off the mark here because I’m just so frustrated by the idea that any jerk-off with an assload of money can just make a movie about whatever because they are too bored, or haven’t gotten any attention in years, or whatever is going on in Ben Stein’s head. Come on. Ben Stein?!!? The monotone teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, who has been in such cinematic masterpieces as Dennis the Menace, My Girl 2, and (Myke, don’t die) Son of the Mask? How does anyone take this guy seriously – anyone without RED-EYE, I mean?

I’ll tell you what Ben Stein should be doing with his money: giving it to me. In large sums. After we battle it out, Jeopardy-style (I would love to say “Suck it, Stein!”) and then go on our merry way, never to have to face each other again. Because other people winning Ben Stein’s money is clearly the only good use that money ever got.