How many licks does it take?

I've tried to write this blog post half a dozen times, and yet somehow I've failed to finish a single one. So hopefully this time I will manage to finish a full thought, at least.

First: I'm writing this from my shiny new iPad! I love this thing. I barely have any apps on it yet - I've downloaded some, but for the most part, I don't really like them. The Facebook and Twitter apps suck; I can't find a blogspot app that doesn't suck. I don't like the Google chat app i found, either. I was hoping I could run the D&D character creator, but it runs on Silverlight, so that has been mostly futile. I did put Netflix on it, which has been absolutely ridiculously amazing. Other than that, I've mostly just been checking email and writing on it. The keyboard doesn't bother me at all - actually enjoy typing with it, though I'm obviously not as efficient as I am on a regular keyboard. For the most part, though, I really like it. It works for what I need it to do, and as I slowly get more acclimated to it, I like it more and more.

What else...there's just so much going on, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start with real life. I had dinner with Michelle Pagnani a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! I hadn't seen her in years, but we had kept in touch, especially recently. We talked about everything, and mostly just realized how alike we are in so many ways. We want to plan a little happy hour with a bunch of the former English majors, which I would really love, if we could all find the time.

We saw Electric Six that same week. It was one of the most fun concerts I've ever been to! Anthony got me into them when we started dating, and I've been hooked ever since. We saw them at Johnny Brenda's with a bunch of people - Bailey, George, Kristin, Bill, BJ, and Aaron were all there. I spent most of the night drinking and dancing with Anthony. It was so...I don't even know. Liberating? It felt so good to dance and laugh and sing with Anthony, who is just so free and fun to be with. My words are failing me right now...which has been happening a lot lately.

Anyway, what else? Skeeball is a blast! We finished the regular season last night and remained undefeated! I rolled a 290 in our first game, and in the second game, during the mystery round, I scored a 190...rolling blindfolded with my left hand. It was a great moment. Finals are in two weeks. Registration has already opened for the next skeeson, and so far I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could stick with my team, because we have a really great rapport, or I could make my own team with my friends, because so many people have expressed an interest in it. So I have to make a decision about it tonight.

I got my hair cut again, too, the day of the Geekadelphia Halloween party. It is shorter than my original cut, which grew way too fast into my eyes. Even now, three weeks later, my hair has grown so crazy quickly! I can't believe it. The party itself was ok - Ant and I were the two main characters from Breaking Bad, Walt and Jesse. Everyone loved our costumes. But I was feeling super fragile - I've been having some self-images issues recently, and dressing as a boy for Halloween drew out all kinds of anxiety. I ended up freaking out and Ant and I had a big fight that went on for most of the weekend. I did a lot of introspecting that weekend, but not before reigning destruction down around me. I know that I can't keep living my life like a bull in a china shop. I know I can't keep wrecking the feelings of the people around me. The people who stay are true friends who love me dearly and will stick with me no matter what, but knowing that doesn't always bring me comfort, because I cringe to think about the pain I've caused them.

In short: I'm lucky to have Ant, and Bailey, and Schneegas, and George. They've brought me through the awful haze that has been the last few weeks, and for that I am grateful. I'm lucky to have a lot of other people, too - Michelle and Veronica, and Chris and Ryan, and John and Holly, and Rachel and Vanessa, and Ian and Brian and Brett. There are too many people to name them all. I'm just a really lucky person who can't be grateful enough.

And I think I've reached my sap quota. I had taken off the week after the party, to work on my novel, which I didn't do. I did go the dentist, therapist, and Gastoenterolgoist; I did play and beat Uncharted 3; I did play a lot of Blood Bowl in our league at Redcap's; I did read a lot of 1Q84, the new Murakami book; I jdid play Skeeball; I did play three games of D&D. I had no cavities and my stomach doctor thinks things are getting better. My therapy appointment was a little mixed....my therapist left the practice, and plans on retiring soon. So that was our last appointment together. I actually ended up crying at the end because I was so sad. She is the first person I've ever really completely opened up to - I told her things I've never said out loud before. I had never given details on any of the sexual abuse I've gone through, not until three months ago when I told her. I felt sad that she was leaving; I felt anxious thinking about starting all over again with a new therapist. She was sad, too - there were tears in both of our eyes when we said goodbye. She set me up with another therapist in the practice, though, and I've seen her twice so far. I like her, and I think that the slow pace we're taking is exactly what I need right now. Everything has been so intense lately, and dialing it down feels good.

Last week was similar to the week before it - I played two more Blood Bowl games at the shop, and played D&D encounters...our last encounter, followed by dim sum at New Harmony. It was lame going back to work, and I also skipped Skeeball to pack for MEPACon, which was the 11th to the 13th. MEPACon is a D&D convention held in Clark's Summit, PA. I was nervous about it,but it ended up being an absolute BLAST! I played 7 mods total, and leveled 2 of my characters - Genza, my ranger, went from 8th to 9th, and Emberyll, my bladesinger, went from 14th to 16th. I did have a minor freak out on the second night, but I talked it through with Anthony, and we got through it.

This past week has been a complete blur. Monday after work I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, then I had a conference call about GameLoop Philly, and then I basically just passed the hell out. I was exhausted. Tuesday I had work, then went to Redcap's for Blood Bowl and hung out with everyone all night. We went back to my place afterwards, which was really nice. Wednesday was work, then the character creation meeting for our new encounter, and then Ant and I went to his friend Gil's place for a board game night. We watched them finish up a game of Dixit, and then played Pandemic with the expansion, which made things even more complicated than usual! Yesterday I didn't have work because I had two doctor's appointments, so I went home in the morning, did some cleaning and food shopping, went to my appointments, did some laundry, then went to Skeeball, where we proceeded to win our final two games. After that, I took the bus to Ant's and he made us some dinner and we decided to try out Pandemic with just two players. It was really fun, and both times we came close to winning...but of course, we lost. I mean, come on. It's Pandemic!!

Work was boring today, and now I'm just chilling at Redcap's, watching Ant play Roland in Blood Bowl while writing this. I was supposed to have a game tonight, too, but Sam cancelled on me. On, and I'm also reading the Uncharted book, which is surprisingly not that bad. I need to review that and the game and a bunch of other stuff. Hopefully my writer's block will get thawed out a little by this giant blog post I'm writing right now :)

There is so much more I want to write about - my therapy appointment yesterday, which was the anniversary of Eric's death, as well. How my anxiety has been. How today is the first day I've felt normal in weeks. The crazy dreams I've been having. What's been going on with my novel. My thoughts on self-image, being invisible, and androgyny. The book of poetry I am putting together. The socks I want to buy. The music I've been listening to. The anime I've been watching. The handmade jewelry I just had commissioned. But I think this is enough writing for now.

Philadelphia Film Festival

This weekend, Anthony and I went to see two Philadelphia Film Festival movies with our friend Phineas. On Saturday, we saw a super weird trippy sci fi movie called Beyond the Black Rainbow, which was sort of scattered and strange but worth seeing. Last night's movie was amazing - it was a thriller called Headhunters and, much to my surprise, had Jaime Lannister in it! He was fantastic as the super sinister bad guy, which is unsurprising. There are a handful of other movies I want to see, including one on Thursday and one on Monday, but I'm not sure if we'll make it to all of them.

In other news, I joined a skeeball league! I am a freelancer (or freeballer, if you will) and I ended up on a team full of awesome people called the Alex Mac Daddies. We had two games on Thursday and we won both! My highest roll was a 250, hot damn. It's exciting and fun!

I also finished "Breaking Bad" - did I mention that? And Anthony and I have one more episode of "The IT Crowd," and not much left in "Better Off Ted." We've been playing a ton of Blood Bowl as well - the board game, as well as the PSP and computer games. I also finished the second Dresden Files book, Fool Moon, and I'm trying to decide which book to read next, though I've been carrying around the rulebook for Gamma World in the hopes that we start that campaign soon. I'm excited!

Speaking of excitement, I'm also going to my first ever Dungeons and Dragons convention! I've never done that before. I hope I don't get super burnt out! I'll probably end up using my high level Bladesinger all weekend, but that's ok - I really want to get her levelled up so I can start playing the higher mods anyway, and I'd love to see what she's capable of in the higher levels. She's pretty bad ass right now as it is!

What else has been going on... I did some cleaning and laundry yesterday, though I could really do some more. My two Halloween costumes are almost finished - well, one is completely done, but I still need one small piece for the other! We ended up having to get two because we had one all planned out and started buying stuff for it and then found out our other party was mustache-themed, so now we have two, which has actually been pretty fun to put together :). I'll take plenty of pictures, don't worry :) I'm still slogging through Resistance 3 and I finished up Ico and need to start Shadow of the Colossus. Mostly I'm just chomping at the bit for Uncharted 3!! I've also been taking lots of pictures lately, which has been really fun, and doing as much writing as I can. This week is packed with stuff as well...

• tonight: dinner with Michelle Pagnani


• tomorrow night: new Murakami comes out! plan to read all night :)


• Wednesday night: dinner, D&D Encounters, Electric Six concert!


• Thursday night: either Skeeball or PFF movie


• Friday night: Indyhall/Geekadelphia Mustache party at Tattooed Mom's


• Saturday: D&D all day, Halloween party at Brian's at night


• Sunday: NOTHING all day so far, but PFF movie at night

I don't think I'll be sleeping much...

Oh, and also, I'm on a new medication - it's called Buspar. My anxiety has been flaring up pretty badly, so my psychiatrist added that to what I'm already taking. He forgot to mention I shouldn't drink on it, so Friday night at boardgame night at Kristen's I went from slightly wine tipsy to annihilated in three glasses. I will be sure to 1) eat dinner, 2) not drink so fast, and 3) not take Buspar with wine. Not a good idea.

Ok, off to dinner! Be sure to check out some of these amazing videos by my Skeeball teammate, Kristin:

Dirty Signs with Kristin

They are ridiculously awesome.

Nik out!

breaking bad

there's nothing like being sick and watching an entire show from start to finish. i've watched seasons 1 and 2 of "breaking bad" since friday, and today, i started season 3. i could just lay around sick all day and watch the entire season, but i'm so tempted to do so many other things. i also finished up the yiddish policeman's union (which i absolutely loved) for the book club that doesn't suck and now i'm back to storm front, the first book in the dresden files series. i am really enjoying it so far, and i would love to get into the dresden game some of the guys are running. there are video games i want to play, too, and really want to go over the gamma world rule books anthony lent me because we want to start a game of that as well, and i'd like to do some cleaning, but i've just really got so little energy right now from being sick and a lack of sleep and the rough therapy session i had this morning, which has me out of sorts and anxious. so i think i'll just spend the rest of the afternoon with walt, walter jr, jesse, and the rest of the gang. if i'm feeling better later, i might work on some of the stuff i mentioned... that or i'll head to redcap's and play some blood bowl with gil. but right now i've got a fever and a rapid heart rate and a cranky disposition, so we'll have to see. :P

so... many... things... i also want to write, but my laptop is so hot on my lap, and my brain is all fuzzy from this headache, and wahhhhhhhhh.

i also want to write about therapy, and the book she has me reading now, and my dietary changes, but that'll have to be later, when i'm hopefully far less whiny and anxious. <3

yikes.

when i take a hiatus, i take a serious hiatus. the whole point of a blog is to keep it updated, but i can't seem to keep up with it. i've been intensely busy lately with...

• warp zoned
• press one
• geekadelphia
• girl geek dinners
• games in philly
• the book club that doesn't suck
• the video game club (that also doesn't suck, but we have no name for it yet)
• two more clubs (one book club, which has me reading the girl with the dragon tattoo, and another club which has me primarily catching up on "breaking bad")
• playing a lot of dungeons & dragons and board games
• a blood bowl league (currently in pre-season)
• work
• doctor visits
• writing a novel
• getting a book of poetry together to get published
• preparing for halloween
• spending time with my amazing boyfriend

there's so, so much more than that, but that's all that has been taking up most of my time. therapy has also been going really well, and i've been working through things i never thought i'd untangle. i've been reading a lot and playing a lot of games and writing a ton and watching a lot of movies and shows and spending a lot of time with anthony, is what it all boils down to.

more later, but for now, my favorite photo of the two of us:

at the beach!

so thursday was crazy busy, but i still managed to make it down the shore. i had work til 5, rushed home quick as i could, packed for the beach, headed to my babysitting gig, finished up around 9, stopped at the corner store to get cat food and cat litter, dropped it off at home, headed to varga for a meeting tristin and i had with flyclops, and then rushed back home to finish up the final packing, cat food- and water-ing, and last minute double checking of everything. i made it to patco in time for the train, which got me to lindenwold in time for the nj transit train, which was super late leaving anyway because they were waiting for the cops to get there to take some girl off. it was a strange night! i was working on homework most of the night, and then read a lot of clash of kings. we got back to mike's mom's after 1 and set up my ps3 so mike could check out the uncharted 3: drake's deception beta. i passed out shortly after that :).

friday was busy, busy, busy. we woke up early, got showered and dressed, and headed over to mike's grandparents. his mom is out of town for a month, and she lives across the street from his grandparents, so we've spent the last few days between the two houses, for the most part. we had breakfast, hung out with them, checked out the pool (i got burnt on my thighs in the half hour we spent there!), and then took their car to go pick up mike's glasses, get his brother keith from the train station, and stop at gamestop so i could see if i could find some of the games i've been looking for (which i couldn't). we did run into mike's friend, edd, who is super cool - i'd never met him before but i'd heard lots of stories! after that, we stopped back at mike's grandparents, then headed to his dad's to hang out with him and his girlfriend angela, as well as keith and his girlfriend karla, who just moved next door to willy and angela. we chilled, had an awesome meal - rib-eye steak, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, corn on the cob, salad, and a dessert of cappuccino pie, brownies, and ice cream - OMG, and then walked around the boardwalk. i think i may have been to that boardwalk before - seaside heights - when i was 19. i remember parts of it - it's so familiar. i think it's where i bought my crazy platform van sneakers and one of my favorite pairs of board shorts... which i can't find now. hopefully this summer's searches will yield them up! afterwards, we drove back to mike's grandparents, walked over to his mom's, played some call of duty: black ops, and went to bed. i also read a lot more clash of kings as well as the rest of my homework throughout the day, and played more of link's awakening, which i'm really enjoying.

yesterday was much more relaxing. we woke up, went to his grandparents' to eat, and headed to kohl's so mike could get some new sneakers. i found some amazing chuck taylor's - they were black and covered in little tiny studs, and they were only $16!! but they only had them in size 6, and my feet aren't quite that tiny :P. we headed back here, got changed into our bathing suits, and spent the day at the pool. it was soooo nice. we read by the poolside, then hopped in the water and swam a bit, then spent the rest of the afternoon reading in the sun. it felt soooo nice. around dinnertime, we headed back to mike's mom's, got showers, got dressed and ready, and headed back over to his grandparents' for dinner. they grilled for us - cheeseburgers and hamburgers, with corn on the cob and home-grown string beans, followed by blue bunny ice cream cones. it was all so delicious! i even had some wine, and i drink so ridiculously infrequently now that i got tipsy. whoops! we headed back to mike's mom's, and i played a ton more of link's awakening and finished reading clash of kings. i was tempted to start storm of swords but i was so happy and comfortable that i just drifted off to sleep.

aaand now i'm wide awake, and just feeling so pleasant and well-rested. i made the decision this morning to drop my class, because we've had such sporadic connection to the internet these last few days, and everything i need to do is online. the only reason the choice was difficult is because the class is so interesting. but with the project i'm working on with tristin, girl geek dinners philadelphia, geekadelphia, warp zoned, press one, and the fact that there are so many other things i want to do this summer - like clean out and re-arrange my apartment, as well as start working on that book i keep talking about - i just don't have the time for this class. it's time i made a decision on what i want to do, and as much as i love my coursework and want to get my degree, i love what i'm doing with the video game journalism stuff, and i would really love to start making actual money from it. and for once, i don't feel guilty about dropping the class. i feel like i'm really working in a good direction mentally and emotionally, and i haven't been this happy in a really, really long time.

the only other thing i wanted to mention is that i've been having some CRAZY dreams!! like beyond anything close to the realm of normalcy. a lot of people i've talked to have said they've been having weird dreams, too, so maybe it's the moon or something. but wow, have they been extra strange!!

ok, time to get in some more nuketown 24/7. i love double xp weekends! will post some pictures and more stuff later. happy fourth of july weekend, all :)

Busy!

The last few weeks have been very busy! Mike and I (and recently our other friend Mike) have been going to Dungeons & Dragons encounters at a local game store, and it has been amazing! It's every Wednesday night, and the people we play with are terrific. I'm enjoying it so much! We also had Wizard World Philadelphia this weekend, which was a blast. I'm still recovering from it, and this weekend will be just as busy! It's been kind of rough at work lately - first week of the term always is! - but rice + Ramune for dinner made it all better:



I've also been doing an unbelievable amount of writing, and I'm taking a class this term which means I've been doing homework, and I finished up inFAMOUS and I'm more than halfway through Dream Trigger 3D and Disgaea: Afternoon of Darkness, and I finished Johannes Cabal the Detective and started re-reading A Game of Thrones, and the show ended already but! I did just pre-order it today on blu-ray, the minute Amazon sent me the email to let me know it was available. Whew! I've been a busy lady. I also had a major breakthrough in therapy this week, which feels strange to say but feels good to say and think about. I think I might actually be able to work through all the negative (and previously unexplainable) thoughts and feelings I have. It feels suspiciously like progress, as Ryan Littlefield would say :)

More details - and pictures! - this weekend. For now, I'm going to hang out with the Starks and then head to bed.