so, yesterday was our panel on video game writing at the week of writing, and it went incredibly well!! after it was done, i felt like a million pounds got lifted off of my shoulders. i survived the last three days. huzzah!!
i came home, did a bunch of packing, played pandora's tower, and got some laundry done. oh, and i think i finished a book? it's so hard sometimes with kindle versions because you can't tell what's supplementary. anyway, i did a lot, is what i'm saying. and now i can just focus on this move, which feels pretty good. :)
time to make the donuts!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
two down...
Grandmom's 80th surprise party yesterday was a success! Missed Anamanaguchi, but spent a lot of quality time with cousins I never see. Exhausted, but still have one more major thing to push through before I can rest. I think I can, I think I can...
Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10
Saturday, May 18, 2013
one down
gameloop philly 2013 is over! i'm completely exhausted and my head is killing me and i'm pretty sure i won't have a voice tomorrow, but i also haven't been this happy in i don't even know how long.
time to go to bed.
time to go to bed.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The thing about stress
i've been reading a lot of things online about stress and depression and so much of it resonates with me that i think it actually starts to make me feel even more stressed and depressed, and then i talked about all of it, which ends up making it all even worse.
anthony showed me an article called all work and no pay: the great speed up, which just confirmed my horrible paranoia from high school: that we'll never escape animal farm, no matter how hard we try. so much of it hit home for me - especially the comments on multitasking (If you multitask constantly, your actual mental circuitry erodes, and your brain loses its ability to focus") and this super depressing zinger: "Dreading once-pleasant diversions, like dinner with friends, as just one more thing on your to-do list?"
i can't remember the last time i looked forward to something consistently. sure, there's always the initial moment, when i feel excited about something - getting dinner with an old friend, going on an adventure somewhere, even hitting up the movies with my boyfriend. but i begin to feel apprehensive, like i've made the wrong decision, like i could be doing other things with my time. time spent playing video games (even for reviews) should be spent writing articles; time spent writing articles is when i should be packing for my big move; time spent packing should be spent with my cats before i have to give them up (my boyfriend has terrible allergies, we've just learned, and it's my cats that have been giving him asthma attacks the last few months).
let's just focus on that one thing for a moment: i feel like i'm abandoning one of my best friends. i have two cats, and one of them, the pup, has been my best friend for the last decade. sure, that might sound ridiculous, but when i moved into my old apartment after a horrible year, i basically secluded myself in that place and did nothing but watch netflix DVDs and hang out with my cats. the pup became my best friend, and i talked to him and cuddled with him every day. and now i'm abandoning him, and i'm just so completely bummed out about it that some nights i just go home and hug him and cry.
don't worry, i'm not suicidal. i haven't even taken a xanax tonight to curb my anxiety. i'm just at a point of hopelessness that i keep reaching, and i feel like maybe if i write something, anything, it will help.
before someone calls 9-1-1, i'll go onto the next item, which is depression part two at hyperbole and a half. while it was nice to read something so fucking spot on for how i'm feeling, it was also terrifying. she said "However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable."
i realized the other day that i'm some kind of monstrous robot when it comes to small talk - i can just do it. it pours out of me like it's no big deal. i blurt out comments about the weather with alarming speed. in fact, sometimes, at work, i know exactly what a person is going to ask for, so i just answer their question for them - not necessarily because i have a dog-like yearn to please everyone so they'll like me (i could write a book on that), but because i want to get them what they want as quickly as possible so they'll go away and i won't have to turn on my horrible small talk machine.
who am i when i do that? i hear myself asking about children, spouses, cars, houses, friends of friends, pets, things that i don't even know i have filed away, things that most certainly are taking up space i need for something else, and yet it's all in this complicated little filing system that pops open smoothly and hands people everything they want to hear.
of course, i'm not always like this, and it's not that i dislike people - not by a long shot. i wouldn't bother meticulously gathering and filing all that information on people i didn't like. well, that's not true - people i don't like are sequestered in another part of my brain. i guess the people i don't care about at all are the ones i neither like nor dislike - and those people i can barely keep any information straight about at all.
anyway, allison (from hyperbole and a half) says a lot of other things that rang true with me, like "The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. "
it almost becomes a pissing contest whenever i try to talk to people about how i'm feeling. like, "oh, you're having a bad day? listen to this giant pile of shit my life is!" to which i usually just give up on trying to actually communicate with a human being and let them beat me to death with the giant dick of their one-up-itude.
anyway, i'm not going to quote the entire rest of the blog post she wrote, despite it being spot on about how i feel, so i'll just let you go read it, and just know that I HAVE HAD THAT CORN MOMENT. but right now, i am just in a hate everything in the world phase, and i have no idea why. sure, i'm under massive amounts of stress, from:
full-time job
part-time jobs
school
moving into a new apartment
abandoning my cats
being involved in a million things
and so that might be a big part of it. i am in therapy, and on medication for anxiety and gastroparesis, but some days, i just feel like i need more. i feel like i need to just check the fuck out of life for a few days and sit somewhere in a well-lit room and read some books and no, not go to group therapy or work out my feelings or determine how to deal with things, but to just be myself and alone and not have to feel obligated to talk to anyone or answer a phone or reply to an email.
dear god, to not have to reply to an email.
anyway, in writing this, i've successfully avoided finishing the articles i need to write tonight, so i'm going to get on that. i also didn't eat any dinner, which is probably making me even crankier. but writing all of this did make me feel better, so i guess there's that.
anthony showed me an article called all work and no pay: the great speed up, which just confirmed my horrible paranoia from high school: that we'll never escape animal farm, no matter how hard we try. so much of it hit home for me - especially the comments on multitasking (If you multitask constantly, your actual mental circuitry erodes, and your brain loses its ability to focus") and this super depressing zinger: "Dreading once-pleasant diversions, like dinner with friends, as just one more thing on your to-do list?"
i can't remember the last time i looked forward to something consistently. sure, there's always the initial moment, when i feel excited about something - getting dinner with an old friend, going on an adventure somewhere, even hitting up the movies with my boyfriend. but i begin to feel apprehensive, like i've made the wrong decision, like i could be doing other things with my time. time spent playing video games (even for reviews) should be spent writing articles; time spent writing articles is when i should be packing for my big move; time spent packing should be spent with my cats before i have to give them up (my boyfriend has terrible allergies, we've just learned, and it's my cats that have been giving him asthma attacks the last few months).
let's just focus on that one thing for a moment: i feel like i'm abandoning one of my best friends. i have two cats, and one of them, the pup, has been my best friend for the last decade. sure, that might sound ridiculous, but when i moved into my old apartment after a horrible year, i basically secluded myself in that place and did nothing but watch netflix DVDs and hang out with my cats. the pup became my best friend, and i talked to him and cuddled with him every day. and now i'm abandoning him, and i'm just so completely bummed out about it that some nights i just go home and hug him and cry.
don't worry, i'm not suicidal. i haven't even taken a xanax tonight to curb my anxiety. i'm just at a point of hopelessness that i keep reaching, and i feel like maybe if i write something, anything, it will help.
before someone calls 9-1-1, i'll go onto the next item, which is depression part two at hyperbole and a half. while it was nice to read something so fucking spot on for how i'm feeling, it was also terrifying. she said "However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable."
i realized the other day that i'm some kind of monstrous robot when it comes to small talk - i can just do it. it pours out of me like it's no big deal. i blurt out comments about the weather with alarming speed. in fact, sometimes, at work, i know exactly what a person is going to ask for, so i just answer their question for them - not necessarily because i have a dog-like yearn to please everyone so they'll like me (i could write a book on that), but because i want to get them what they want as quickly as possible so they'll go away and i won't have to turn on my horrible small talk machine.
who am i when i do that? i hear myself asking about children, spouses, cars, houses, friends of friends, pets, things that i don't even know i have filed away, things that most certainly are taking up space i need for something else, and yet it's all in this complicated little filing system that pops open smoothly and hands people everything they want to hear.
of course, i'm not always like this, and it's not that i dislike people - not by a long shot. i wouldn't bother meticulously gathering and filing all that information on people i didn't like. well, that's not true - people i don't like are sequestered in another part of my brain. i guess the people i don't care about at all are the ones i neither like nor dislike - and those people i can barely keep any information straight about at all.
anyway, allison (from hyperbole and a half) says a lot of other things that rang true with me, like "The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. "
it almost becomes a pissing contest whenever i try to talk to people about how i'm feeling. like, "oh, you're having a bad day? listen to this giant pile of shit my life is!" to which i usually just give up on trying to actually communicate with a human being and let them beat me to death with the giant dick of their one-up-itude.
anyway, i'm not going to quote the entire rest of the blog post she wrote, despite it being spot on about how i feel, so i'll just let you go read it, and just know that I HAVE HAD THAT CORN MOMENT. but right now, i am just in a hate everything in the world phase, and i have no idea why. sure, i'm under massive amounts of stress, from:
full-time job
part-time jobs
school
moving into a new apartment
abandoning my cats
being involved in a million things
and so that might be a big part of it. i am in therapy, and on medication for anxiety and gastroparesis, but some days, i just feel like i need more. i feel like i need to just check the fuck out of life for a few days and sit somewhere in a well-lit room and read some books and no, not go to group therapy or work out my feelings or determine how to deal with things, but to just be myself and alone and not have to feel obligated to talk to anyone or answer a phone or reply to an email.
dear god, to not have to reply to an email.
anyway, in writing this, i've successfully avoided finishing the articles i need to write tonight, so i'm going to get on that. i also didn't eat any dinner, which is probably making me even crankier. but writing all of this did make me feel better, so i guess there's that.
Monday, October 1, 2012
it's time.
i've been busy lately - insanely busy, you could say. this weekend we went to a battle interactive, where my upper-level paragon character, emberyll, just leveled out to epic. it was bittersweet.
more later. backstreet's back, all right.
more later. backstreet's back, all right.
Monday, May 14, 2012
i should also mention
i did notice that i missed writing for a week. things have been very busy. i wrote a lot last week - a ludicrous amount, in fact. possibly more than any other time except that week when i took off and wrote something like 25,000 words for a novel i was working on. that's a lot of words.
in a nutshell: did a lot of writing, did a lot of reading, played d&d, watched a lot of true blood, cleaned my apartment, sold some dvds, played zeitgeist, played board games (king of tokyo, pandemic, miskatonic school for girls), played ascension, played video games (prototype, disgaea, borderlands, awesomenauts), had a hard time at therapy (but when don't i these days?), and made my to-do list ever longer with each passing day.
yup, same old, same old. home now getting stuff done... well, hopefully i will get some stuff done. if i don't, i'll end up collapsed on this couch, playing video games all day. or i'll go on a mad search for tin roof sundae ice cream, playtest splice over at cipher prime, and nap a lot.
in a nutshell: did a lot of writing, did a lot of reading, played d&d, watched a lot of true blood, cleaned my apartment, sold some dvds, played zeitgeist, played board games (king of tokyo, pandemic, miskatonic school for girls), played ascension, played video games (prototype, disgaea, borderlands, awesomenauts), had a hard time at therapy (but when don't i these days?), and made my to-do list ever longer with each passing day.
yup, same old, same old. home now getting stuff done... well, hopefully i will get some stuff done. if i don't, i'll end up collapsed on this couch, playing video games all day. or i'll go on a mad search for tin roof sundae ice cream, playtest splice over at cipher prime, and nap a lot.
all the things
so much to do today. i took off friday and today to get stuff done around the house, and i did do a lot friday, but didn't get done as much as i thought i would. i often have unrealistic expectations. today i'm going to chip away at it one piece at a time and get done what i can and try not to get overwhelmed/discouraged.
oh, we finished up season four of true blood, which means i'll have to watch season five like everyone else: week to week. that's... weak. and i finished reading the first kurosagi corpse delivery service book last night, and we watched daybreakers and the first episode of tron: uprising. and i got rid of 100 dvds on friday. an entire apartment full of junk left to go...
oh, we finished up season four of true blood, which means i'll have to watch season five like everyone else: week to week. that's... weak. and i finished reading the first kurosagi corpse delivery service book last night, and we watched daybreakers and the first episode of tron: uprising. and i got rid of 100 dvds on friday. an entire apartment full of junk left to go...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
